Zach Randolph's Classic Basketball Pranks

It's widely known that professional athletes love to play pranks on each other. In baseball, one of your teammates will set your foot on fire and call it a "hot foot." In football, rookies are often duct taped to goalposts then left to starve in the hot sun. In hockey, it's a rite of passage to have your jugular slashed by a rusty skate in a little joke called "icing." It's all in the game, and it's super fun because most of the time, no one dies.

Basketball is a little different. Since there isn't a ton of extra equipment, pranks generally involve making rookies carry bags or wear pink. But one man has changed all that. One man has the know-how, and the elbow grease, to invent classic pranks. That man is Zach Randolph.

seems like a chill bro

Here are a few of the now legendary pranks that Zach Randolph has pulled in his NBA career:

The Post Up

During his second season with the Blazers convinced his teammate, Chris Dudley, that he needed a defender to work against in the post. Randolph then posted up Dudley, spun and threw in a left-handed hook shot. The next time, rather than spinning and shooting, he slapped Dudley in the face as hard as he could. Hilarious!

The Ball Handling Drill

After being traded to the New York Knicks, Randolph arrived early to practice and found David Lee working on his jump shot. Randolph offered to show Lee some perimeter moves, which Lee gladly accepted. Randolph dribbled between his legs twice, stood up, slapped Lee in the face, kicked him in the genitals, then threw the ball off his back, collected it and laid it in while yelling "AND 1!!" Gotcha!

The Slap

This is one of Randolph's favorite pranks, and he has used it throughout his career. Basically, he just slaps whoever is closest to him in the face, without warning. Pretty effective!

The Upper Decker

Many thought that Randolph's pranking days had passed following his trade to the Clippers. DeAndre Jordan found out that wasn't so. His first day reporting to the Clippers, Randolph brought a duffel bag full of semi-poisonous snakes, which he used to fill the top shelf of Jordan's locker. When Jordan opened the locker and the snakes started hissing, he ran frightened. When he asked who put the snakes there, Randolph slapped him in the face and said, "Nice snakes." Burned!

The Grizzlie

Upon arriving to Grizzlies training camp this summer, Randolph brought with him a heavily sedated brown bear. As coach Lionel Hollins gave his opening remarks, Randolph stabbed the bear, skinned it, and slapped it in the face for good measure. Symbolic!

Hasheem Thabeet Throws a Barbeque

Hey, guys! It's almost time to tha-eat.

Thameet is just about ready to tha-eat, so come up here and get what you want. Then take a tha-seat on the concrete.

We've got hamburgers and hot dogs and a bunch of bun choices . We have white bread and thawheat, so take your choice. Thawheat is a little healthier, but it also gets soggy faster.

Hey, Marc! It's good to see you. I like your khakis, especially thapleats. Oh, and thanks for bringing thabeets. I'm usually not a big fan, but they're alright in salads, though I prefer those to be thasweet, rather than savory. Anyways, I better go thagreet some more people.

Oh, everyone. I want to remind you to be careful around the flowers. They thasecrete some kind of scent that attracts a lot of bees. It's nice out, and they love thaheat, so just be wary.

I'll be bringing out thasweets later, but I'll be bringing them out thadiscretely, so as not to cause a massive feeding rush. I made a whole thasheet of brownies. They're delicious.

And no, OJ, you won't need your thacleats. We play wiffleball in thastreet.

A Michael Jackson Tribute Post

EEEE-HEEE

I'm in Alabama

I am driving a Chevrolet Aveo.
I am staying in a Holiday Inn.
I am eating at a Waffle House.
I am getting sunburned.
I am wearing boat shoes.

Ergo, content will be meager until Thursday.

But first, a two man play I call "We Move as One."

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We Move as One

Fin.
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Movie Knowledge

I know at least 3 people who live in Los Angeles (used to be four, before the Mihm trade). They're pretty big time. Anyways, through them, I've recently learned that there will be an Ocean's 14. The basic plot of this installment is the stealing of not just money, but the entirety of the Memphis Grizzlies franchise. And since I'm lucky, I got this screen shot of Carl Reiner's Saul Bloom getting in deep with the Grizzlies.

Look at how he's nailed Henry Bibby's mannerisms. The transformation is shocking.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.

THE GREAT WIZZLIE* SWAP

*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

User Generated Content

Remember the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge? HUGE SUCCESS. Well, a couple of jacks sent in some Spoelstra goodness. And they're actually very nice.

"Spoelstrito"

"Erikong"

Since it was only these two, I'm keeping my fine linens.

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I hope you haven't forgotten about that legendary day when Antoine Walker participated in a defensive drill in practice. A refresher:

ANYHOW, the following exchange occurred in the comments. Friend of The Blowtorch, Devine, tells it like it is.

Apparently, my blog is "trash." And since I don't know what posting comments "as people" means, I'll just say, "Hi hater."

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I'm doing things with Matt for his previews, so check over there.

Your Company's Two Newest Hires

Zhang is our newest systems administrator. He comes to Initech from China where he had extensive experience in Oracle Clinical databases, C++ programming, Microsoft Office suite, and many other systems. His expertise, however, is in server malfunctions. He has served as an associate systems administrator for a Fortune 500 company before moving to the States this year. He also plays center for the Sacramento Kings.

Hamed joins our organization with years of experience in the statistics field. He has a wealth of knowledge, including work in numerous databases, such as Oracle, Hyperion, and Infor systems. He also has designed standalone interfaces for these databases. Hamed is Iranian and he is a member of the Memphis Grizzlies.

A Moment In History Starring Antoine Walker

We'll always remember the day Antoine Walker crouched his thousand year-old body in to a defensive stance.

Sure, it was just practice, but still.

The NBA Is Back, Y'all

BASKETBALL IS HAPPENING AGAIN! Rejoice! And with that comes loves and hates. On one hand, I hate everything about this picture:

I despise Damien Wilkins. He's the worst. Literally. He's BY FAR my least favorite player in the league, moreso than even Larry Hughes. Desmond Mason's no great shakes either. Plus the team is terrible. Despite how much I like Durant, Green, and Westbrook, the franchise is worst. The uniforms, the colors, the name, every single thing about them is wrong. Plus they employ Damien Wilkins.

HOWEVER, this picture is all that is right in my world:

As much as Pau Gasol is The Blowtorch's mascot, Marc might even be funnier. Sure Pau has arms that go everywhere, but Marc exists solely to ram in to people. He's like a fat version of Bulls-era Tyson Chandler. With a beard and gregarious smile, of course. I'm so glad he's here. Oh, and he's playing against an Iranian. Way to be, Grizzlies.

Zach Randolph Calls Darrell Arthur

phone rings

Darrell Arthur: solemnly Hello.

Zach Randolph: Yo, this Darrell Arthur?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur from Kansas?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who now plays for the Memphis Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: In Memphis?

DA: Yes.

ZR: For the Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who got busted with the Terrific Twosome at the Rookie thing?

DA: What's the terrific twosome?

ZR: Weed and women, ya big dummy. Oh, and it's capitalized.

DA: Okay.

ZR: So are is it true?

DA: Unfortunately, yes.

ZR: Perfect. I'm coming to Memphis.

Stax Records' Newest Artist

Straight out of Soulsville, USA, the Memphis Grizzlies present The New Mad Lads. Only on Stax Records.

Hakim - the thoughtful one. Check him out way dooowwwwnnn looooooooooowww. He's sensitive, but he's strong. Raised in the church, Hakim made his stage debut at the tender age of 3.

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Darko - the heart-throb. Sure he's the cute one, but he'll tear your heart out. Literally. But don't worry ladies, he's got a soft side he can't help displaying.

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Marc -- the funny one. He's all smiles, just having a great time. Of course he'll let you stroke his beard! You might remember him as the keyboardist for his brother's band Pau and the Gas Men.

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Hamed -- the eccentric one. While not as beloved by the group's fans, Hamed is the creative force behind the group. That's right girls and gals, he's responsible for hits such as "Giggin' with the Grizzlies," "Beale Street Stomp," and the newest smash single "I Wanna Play in the USA."

OJ Mayo

OJ Mayo shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell. We're going in draft order. Every first round pick will get their own shirt, plus one at the end with all of them together. Email me for special requests.