Things More Exciting Than a Channing Frye Dunk

• Nachos
  
• Going to the bathroom
  
• Falling asleep sitting up
  

Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:

• "I don't care if I win a title."
• "Shaq is such a bro."
• "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
• "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.

I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

Future Phoenix Suns Draft Picks

Jim Duncan

-------------Billy Ripken

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Conrad Rubio

-------------

Daniel Artest

-------------

LaRon James

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Breaking News: Steve Nash is Your Friend's Dad

I didn't really ever realize it until this picture, but Steve Nash is totally your friend's dad. Let's run down the reasons from head to toe:

1. Side part - Your friend's dad Steve doesn't want you to notice that his hair is thinning. On days when he's feeling particularly rebellious, he parts it the other way.
2. Exposed chest hair - Steve can't hope to contain that luscious V of chest foliage. He oozes virility.
3. Medical ID bracelet - If Steve has a diabetic attack, he wants you to know there's an epipen in his old nylon duffle bag.
4. Shorts above the knees - He doesn't want any hindrance during those 5-6 times a game when he actually bends his legs.
5. White socks with black shoes - Your buddy's dad stopped caring about aesthetics back when Garth Brooks released the Chris Gaines album.

Next time you and your dad and your friend and his dad get together to play ball, give me a call. I'll bring my dad. He can still ball. I just found this picture of him:

Don't worry; he's legit.

Miss You, 1990s

Back in the 1990s, I was a Ken Griffey, Jr. fan. Who wasn't, right? We have shared experiences now. That's what makes us have things in common. Because having things in common means that we have shared experiences. Science. Vocabulary. The dictionary. Wikipedia.

So anyways, we were talking about how all of us liked Ken Griffey, Jr. so much that Pokey Reese actually became an important name to know, circa the Reds trade. And that's hilarious, because Pokey Reese. If you don't get it, sorry. It comes from him being bad while at the same time being named Pokey and not being an orange horse.

But we liked Ken Griffey, Jr. remember. Around the same time, my sister joined the Shaquille O'Neal fan club, which was called SHAQ WORLD or something. I've messed up the timeline because he was still in Orlando when she joined and we (me and you and everyone we know) liked Griffey in Seattle. So this was like 1995-ish, but I had to mention Pokey Reese, because obviously. If I remember right, I think the logo looked something like this, which I just drew on a Post-It:

But now, it's kinda sad seeing this picture because Griffey's all old and back on Seattle but not really wanted and he wears guyabera shirts that are too big because he's probably a little soft around the middle. And then Shaq tucks in his warm-up because that's what you do when you get to be near 40. And I bought my sister a Shaq ornament and the movie Kazaam for Christmas because those things actually exist and that fact is funny.

Sometimes I feel bad because these dudes used to be heroes but now they're sort of punchlines and barely hanging on. But then, it's like, "hey, Shaq and Ken Griffey, Jr. are still playing." That's pretty cool.

Breaking Trade

In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.

One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

Shaq Want Eat Ref

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. What do I do? He's coming. He is so going to eat me. Think. Think quickly. Okay, in Jurassic Park, they stayed totally still. I'll try that. Did he notice me? I think he did.

What if I hold my breath? That'll help. That's got to help. Oh Lord, please let it help. I don't want it to end this way.

He's getting closer. I can't hold my breath much longer. Maybe a hand over the mouth will help. It's not helping. I'm going to explode. C'mon. Just a few seconds longer and he won't know I'm here. Fingers up the nose. It's my last chance.

He's going to swallow me whole. At least that'll be quick and painless. Well, quick at least. Tell my family I love them.

Wait. I'm still here. What happened?

Oh, Steve Nash, you're the best!

Robin Lopez Gets His First Touch in the Post

OH MY GOSH, you guys! I HAVE THE BALL in the post in a REAL NBA GAME!

This.

Is.

AWESOME!

I cannot WAIT to make the sweetest move, like ever. I mean, like, for real. It's going to be totally rad.

Holy cow. I have got to tell Brook. He'll FREAK OUT. He'll be all like, "bro, you were actually for really guarded by Zaza Patchoulioil. During a basketball game. In the NBA."

I'll be like, "Yeah, totally."

He'll be all, "Hehehehehe. For real, bro."

I'll be like, "For REALZ, bro."

Seriously, this is like, the best thing EVER!