The Shane Battier Replicant

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Got to Sit Between Dikembe Mutumbo and Steve Francis

What? What are you talking about? I can't even understand the words you're saying. You sound like Andre the Giant or like you live in a garbage can. Seriously, what?

You want to sit by Steve Francis? No. I want to sit by Steve Francis. I paid for this seat specifically because it was next to Steve Francis. I've been dying to ask him about the cuddle party he threw at the 2000 Dunk Contest. I can't help it if I have to sit next to the Princess Bride soundboard.

You played together, what, 30 games? You're no Cuttino Mobley. In fact, if you were Cuttino Mobley I would switch you seats. That would at least make sense. What are you and Steve Francis going to talk about? Bad knees? Thrilling. I'm going to stay here. You stay over there by Rick Sweatervest and mind your own business.

And why don't you relax when someone dunks it? You've seen a dunk literally thousands of times. Chill out.

Things That Actually Happened in a Professional Basketball Game in 2009

Elton from Clueless dunked.

Whoever this guy is shot a jump shot.

The guy from the Dead Presidents movie poster ran on the court for a hug from Undercover Brother.

The most overwrought dunk attempt of all-time was blocked by the most overwrought block attempt of all-time. Relax, guys.

Whatever Aaron Brooks is doing.

PRO TIP: Sometimes you just have to link to something involving Eddie Griffin.

Punchline Challenge: Chase Budinger

How many punchlines are there for this picture of Houston Rockets rookie Chase Budinger? Let's see:

• "Ladies, can I buy you a blouse?"
• He loves college.
• Hairy Bird.
• Check back next summer to see Chase's skin match his uniform.
• via SEXY PEOPLE
• Good to see Jake Busey is still getting work.
• "Whoops!" -- Darryl Morey
• "Hey, let's take the creepiest rookie picture since Julian Wright." -- photographer
  "Cool." -- Chase Budinger
• Man, Spencer Pratt is EVERYWHERE.
• This is a Rorschach test. Do you or do you not see a redhead?
• Oh, so that's why he got his face stepped on.
• Apprarently, Chase Budinger chose basketball over volleyball because he gets to play indoors.
• Bro.
• This is a screenshot from my favorite scene in Bedazzled.

When Our Powers Combine

EARTH!

WIND!

FIRE!

WATER!

.........

.........

.........

Ummm...heart? We need you man. Come on.

CORAZON! GO PLANET!!!

You rang?

Considering Von Wafer

Hey guys, you guys know that I don't usually like easy jokes that erryone on the Internet Googlebox makes. Like, yeah, Greg Oden looks old, and if you add an L to his name it makes it Olden. Hilarious. Or did you know that some basketball players look like rappers? Genius! Oh, and Magic Johnson still has AIDS!!! Great!

Anywhatevers, this Von Wafer situation is really busting my beans. I couldn't even enjoy my nightly watching of A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore. It's really bugging me that we're letting Von Wafer's transgressions go unchecked. Someone needs to speak truth to Wafer.

Throwing out his last name, because he can't help it, let's realize that there is actually somebody in 21st century America who has CHOSEN the name Von. This isn't 16th century Germany, nor is it a 1980s video game about boxing.

And yeah, he CHOSE that name. I cannot stress this enough, which is why I'm capitalizing it every time I mention it. Von was given the name Vakeaton Quamar, which as far as I can tell means "Squatting Dog," but is also a pretty great name in a 60s activist kind of way. But upon being gifted with that wonderful name, this guy CHOSE "Von." There is no conceivable series of events that I can imagine picking that name. It doesn't really relate to Vakeaton that much, and it makes him sound like a tyrant. Oh, and it's the name "Von."

Think of the things you can do with Vakeaton Quamar. Here's an incomplete list, off the top of my head:

• produce albums for A Tribe Called Quest
• be a Wu-Tang affiliate alias
• as mentioned before, participate in 1960s rallys
• overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator
• Afro-centric poet

Comparatively, here's what you can do as Von:

• be confused with Vin
• overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator

It's obvious that Von Wafer has made a huge mistake. It's not just that he now has a funny name, but he's missed some golden opportunities. If you put a guard like Von Wafer in to the draft as Vakeaton Wafer, show some grainy footage of him doing Von Wafer things, and call him an overseas project, he'd be a top 10 pick. Instead, he was a second round pick and largely unnoticed until this season. And it's all because he picked that silly name.