Reactions to Ryan Anderson's Goatee

• Oh, no. We can't be having that kind of facial hair. Such a nice young man.
• CANDY BARS.
  
• I bet I looked that good when I had my goatee.
• Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
• Hmmmm...I'd look superfresh with a goat like that.

Looking at a Vince Carter Picture

Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter:

(scrolls down)

Ryan Anderson Confuses Fruit

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at the size of that owange. That is the biggest owange I have evow seen. I am going to eat that owange SO fast and it's going to be SO good. Wyan weally wikes owanges. Thank my wucky staws foah this enoahmous owange.
Oh, owange. I am so happy to eat you. You will be sweet and dewicious in Wyan's bewwy. If I didn't eat you, owange, I would want to mawwy you and maybe go see the new Hawwy Pottah movie togevah. You make me so happy, owange. I am sowwy to eat you, but you awa a big yummy owange so I must.

GWOSS! GWAPEFWUIT! YOU AWEN'T AN OWANGE AT ALL! HOWA DAWA YOU! You awa too souwa! I fought we wewe fwiends! You twicked me, gwapefwuit. I will NEVEWA eat a gwapefwuit again because you awa SO mean. You taste wike souwa poops. Gwoss. You awa the wowst fwuit evewah.

Brandon Bass Works Out for the Magic

I think I'll just shoot some jumpers to get loose. You know, with these arms I need to make sure I'm nice and limber.

Lordy, this ball is heavy! I just can't seem to shoot it strong enough. I suppose I'll have to flex to make sure I shoot it the right distance.

Does this look okay Coach Van Gundy? How is my form? Do my arms look alright? I mean, if you want me to, I can flex them a little more. I've seen what you've done for Dwight, so I know that's an option.

Seriously, did you guys put lead in this ball? It is HEAVY. But don't worry, I think I can lift it above my head. Oh, there. There we go. Looking good?

Oh, this is STRENUOUS! I can barely get the ball up this high. Good thing I've been working out this summer or else I wouldn't have this strength! Thanks, creatine powder.

Can someone come over here and feel my biceps to make sure they're moving the right way? I wouldn't want to be wasting your guys' money with bad form. I just really need someone to come and hold on to my biceps. It's for the team.

An Angsty Magic Fan Weighs in On the Finals

Song: "Outside" - Staind featuring Fred Durst

Mood: Persecuted

Fascists. The Lakers are fascists. You know exactly what I mean, so don't preach to me about the fairness of the "collective bargaining agreement" or the "salary cap." This latest "victory" of theirs is just another egregious misstep by the NBA and their fascist leader David Stern. Fascists.

It's obvious that Stern conspired so that the Lakers would win. It's blatanly apparent in the way he allows them to swindle a team like Memphis for Pau Gasol. And if you don't realize the inherent prejudice towards the Lakers throughout the nation, then you're blind. Just like the rest of them.

And that's another thing. The blatantly obvious media bias for the Los Angeles Lakers is appalling. It was practically a coronation for that communist Kobe Bryant. There is no doubt that Dwight Howard is equally as marketable as the league's poster child, but do you see this being set forth by the league as a chance for a young star to shine? No. That wouldn't fit their precious agenda to anoint the NEXT MICHAEL JORDAN, which let's be honest, can't happen due to Stern's protecting of his legacy maker.

Let's not forget the disregard Stern shows towards the fans. Fans like me. Fans like my cousin. The real people. The working class. The people who watch the games. The people who buy the tickets. The people who pay for his pretty athletes to prance around in their shorts making millions of dollars, while we scrape by and pay their salaries. Stern doesn't care. Never has, never will.

Someday, this whole fascist organization will crumble and I'll be there on top, laughing from on high.

Dwight Howard is Starting a Clothing Line

Since I started Blowtorch Consulting, I constantly get important emails asking for my opinions and advice when it comes to properly branding players. And because I'm doing the Phenomenal Swag thing, a lot of the questions I get have to deal with fashion, style, and fashionable style. Things of this nature come easily to me, probably because my mom dressed me exclusively in knickers until age 18. With that kind of background, I'm pretty proud of this news I broke in the headline.

In cooperation with Dwight Howard and adidas, Blowtorch Consulting is proud to introduce Dwight Howard's clothing line DH12. Designed jointly by adidias and Dwight Howard, this full-service line is going to be aimed at the big and tall crowd. It's going to be months before we can get this out to high-end stores, but I've got clearance to show you the first item.

This is by far Dwight's favorite piece from the line, and I've been told he wears it out in Orlando almost every night. It's nipped at the waist to give a clean silhouette, but it's sleeveless construction allows Dwight's arms to be exposed, as he insists. You can see the modest DH12 logo on the back, and the familiar three stripes of adidas on the left shoulder. Basically, it's the perfect piece of clothing for when you want to regulate your core temperature, but still show off your arms. It's priced at an affordable $399.99.

We're aiming for a September release, and I'm hoping to be able to show off some more of the samples later this summer. Be on the lookout at Hypebeast, Hipster Runoff, and High Snobiety for release information.

(post updated for legal reasons)

NBA Finals Game 6 Preview

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Orlando Magic (4-1 LAL, in Los Angeles)

Magic Keys to the Game: Game 6 will be a pivotal game for the Magic. They will need a big game from Dwight Howard, staunch defense by rookie Courtney Lee and Mikael Pietrus, and solid minutes from point guards Rafer Alston and Jameer Nelson. Additionally, coach Stan Van Gundy is going to need to find a way to develop time travel. Of course, if the Magic don't make their free-throws, this game is over before it starts.

Lakers Keys to the Game: Whatever the Lakers do, the biggest thing is that they need to avoid any sort of portal, DeLorean, or wormhole that Orlando might try to use.

Prediction: Considering that the only human to have ever time-travelled is the Lakers' Kobe Bryant, it is unlikely that he will share his secrets with the Magic. If they can't find a way to go back in time and change the past, without jeopardizing the future, this series is over.

2009 Contests In Which Dwight Howard Finished 2nd

NBA Finals

Slam DunkYelling

Cartoonish Arms

Not Being Caressed by Tyronn Lue

Shirt Wearing

Proposed Orlando Magic Endorsement Opportunity

Guys, it's the Finals right now and Blowtorch Consulting has been hard at work. I've been putting together deals, making proposals, and using investment strategies. My savvy mind tells me to "strike when the iron is hot" and "any publicity is good publicity." These are business terms I'm using, and if they go over your heard I apologize. But seriously, they work.

Take for instance my latest deal. The Orlando Magic attempted more three-pointers this season than any other team in the league. Some people call shooting a lot of three-pointers a long distance approach. And everyone knows you can use your cellular telephone's satelite transmissions to make long distance phone calls. I talked with Blowtorch Consulting's creative director (me) and we put together this ad campaign for the Orlando Magic Long Distance Connect Package.

It really meshes well with their "more bars in more places" movement. They were even kind enough to include international calling to France. Unfortunately, due to problems concerning the downfall of the Ottoman Empire, calls to Turkey couldn't be included, so that's why you see Hedo over to the left. However, we did like the way that his wandering kinds of made it feel like a more natural happening, rather than a promotion.

If we get this deal confirmed it'll be huge for us. We've already got LeBron signed up, which is huge; but if we can get an entire team like the Magic AND a huge corporation like AT&T, that'll be amazing. Wish me luck, I've got a presentation in Orlando Sunday evening.

The Orlando Magic Prematurely Celebrate the Guy from Wolf Parade's Wedding

Finals Game 1 Reactions from the Blowtorch's Playoff Correspondent

The Blowtorch's special playoff correspondent, Boots with the Fur, checks in with her observations from Game 1:

• Meow.
• Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
• Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
• Purrrrr.
• flexes claws
• Meow.
• eats food
• falls over and begins to sleep

Some Bros Go To a Magic Game

"Yeah, sure, maybe you guys can play it cool, but there are 226 people on Twitter who need to know I got courtsides."

Endorsement Opportunity for Marcin Gortat

Look guys, the economy. You've heard about the economy I assume. It's not being very economical, if you know what I mean. I mean that it's not doing good. Wish it were doing better. Wish it had more money. Wish it had more econoME. Stocks and bonds. Buy low, sell high. Satellite transmissions to cellular telephones. Things like that. As such, I've decided to open a consulting business for NBA players. Basically, I will take a lesser known player and set them up with appropriate endorsement deals. In return, these players will pay me a 7% commission, and also give me free things like shoes, various sporting goods, and movie tickets to first-run movies. It's pretty fair, I think. After all, these endorsements will make the players millions, even after taking out my 7%. Not to mention, they wouldn't be seeing that money without my help anyways, because I'm going to be DIGGING DEEP for these endorsements.

Just as a teaser, here's a proposal I've put together for Orlando's Marcin Gortat. I want to pair him up with Lowell Foods.

The best quality foods from Poland and the best quality basketball player from Poland? Perfect match. Marcin Gortat will GLADLY tell you a story about sesame seeds and honey, he was raised on the stuff.

Here are some products that we'll put his face on, and what I'd propose as slogans:

Headcheese - "Because it exists."Herring Fillets with Onions in Brine - "If you don't like your fish in a salty brine with onions, then you don't really like fish."Seasoned Pork Lard with Pork Added - "The only thing that makes pork lard better is adding pork."Prune and Whole Grain Yogurt - "Like grapes, but grosser. Also, grains because yogurt was too creamy."

This is a win-win. Lowell Foods gets Marcin Gortat, the best Polish player ever. Marcin Gortat gets sacks of money and all the pork loaf he can eat. I've already talked to President and C.E.O. Conrad Lowell and he is understandably ECSTATIC about the idea.

Let's make this happen.

One of These Wasn't Photoshopped

Stan Van Gundy Does the Sun Salutation

I got a WiiFit yesterday, so I'm basically a fitness expert now. My best skills are in the yoga portion of the game. I'm so good in fact, that many of my closest friends and family have taken to calling me yogi or yogin. It depends on if they use the contemporary English or not.

So when I saw that picture of Stan Van Gundy at last night's game 7 against the Boston Celtics, it was obvious to me that he had begun practicing either hatha or vinyasa styles. Sorry for all the "inside yoga" talk, but it's pretty clear that SVG is working on his fitness.

And can you blame him? Just from the surya-namaskar pose he's practicing here, he can expect the following benefits:

- Gets rid of constipation.
- Strengthens abdominal muscles.
- Tones up the nervous system and improves memory.
- Promotes sleep and calms anxiety.
- Refreshes the skin. Prevents Skin disorders.
- Improves muscle flexibility.
- Stimulates the breasts to help firmness. Restores any lost elasticity, through stimulation of glands and the strengthening of pectoral muscles.
- Prevents loss of hair and graying.
- Helps reduce fat.
- Reduces abnormal prominence of the Adam's apple.
- Eliminates unpleasant smells from the body.
- Lends grace and ease of movements to the body.
- Revives and maintains the spirit of youthfulness.
- Broadens chest and beautifies arms.
- Makes the spine and waist flexible.
- Produces health, strength, efficiency and longevity.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty close, so I can safely say that this is only going to be good for Stan. He just needs to remember to think about stretching his spine and breathing deeply. Basic yoga, stuff, really. This is a 5,000 year old art, so I think they know what they're talking about.

The Most Exciting Lay-Up in the History of Lay-Ups

Magic fans are a fickle bunch. Remember two week ago when they couldn't give a rip about Dwight Howard dunking? Now Andre Miller, possibly the most boring player in the league, drives to the basket and everyone FREAKS OUT.

I've never seen so many people so pumped up for a lay-up. Anthony Johnson looks like he's going to die.

Whatever, Dwight Howard

It's finally happened; the slam dunk has lost its cache.

You're probably thinking, "yeah, right. Go back to Alabama where they don't even have SLAM at bookstores and you'll end up having to read Can I Keep My Jersey? even though it's not that great. That's what you deserve for saying dunking isn't cool anymore. A place that hates basketball. Go there." But I didn't even say dunking isn't cool, so you're kind of being a jerk.

The point is, this picture of Dwight Howard. I carefully analyzed each and every human in it who isn't Dwight Howard in order to test my theory. Check it out:

(click for full-size)

KEY

Green - actually enjoying this slam dunk shot

Yellow - refusing to watch, out of boredom

Red - visibly upset by the dunk

Light blue - skeptical

That's inarguable evidence right there, pal. These people are so fed up with Dwight Howard just dunking all the time. They're like, "sweet dunk Dwight." Then they roll their eyes to their friend behind Dwight's back.

So why don't you just lay off and stop telling me to go back to Alabama. I saw a kid there wearing a full Dwight Howard uniform, but with the new Melo's and socks, TO THE BEACH. Think about it.

Laughing Is Fun

I didn't get to see the Magic/Clippers game last night. I'm pretty upset about it, because there was apparently something very funny about it. Just looking through Yahoo!'s photo gallery I feel like I missed something.

I mean, look at all the guys having a great time:

Obviously, Dwight Howard was having a great time. He always has a great time.Even the bench guys were laughing:What could be SO funny? It had to be something so ridiculous that you couldn't help but laugh. Well, unless you're Marcus Camby. He thinks you're making a mockery of the game.

Geez, Marcus Camby. Just let the guys have some fun. I mean, you don't want to be like the referee, who was pretty upset that he didn't get the joke.But then I realized that I'M the referee. I don't get the joke because I didn't get to see the game. And I got pretty bummed out.

As much as a fan of basketball I am, I'm an even greater fan of laughing. I LOVE laughing. Who doesn't? It's awesome. Endorphins.

So I searched through the gallery, hoping to understand. It was just a few clicks more, but I got the joke.
JJ Redick played point guard last night! In an actual NBA game, for an actual NBA team!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally get it now. Oh laughing, you're the best. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Frenchmen Hate Shiny Weapons

A lot of the time I just sit and think about various things about the NBA. This usually takes up between 4 and 6 hours of my day, or basically all the time when I'm not working.

Sometimes I think about what teams are good. Sometimes I think about what teams are bad. Sometimes I think about how Mo Williams and LeBron James have tattoos that look so much alike that it's not surprising they play well together.

Other times, I look at pictures of Dwight Howard rebounding. When he's rebounding it looks like he's standing in air. Look:

See, Dwight's just standing. Anderson Varejao, "Snickerface" to his family, is trying to grab the ball, but he can't because he can't levitate and stand like Dwight Howard. This is why Dwight is such a good rebounder.

Being a blogger who uses a lot of visual jokes, I also like to use Google, which is a prominent search engine like Lycos and Ask Jeeves. Just this morning I used Google Image Search (a subsidiary of Google) to see if I could find a wacky picture of Wally Szczerbiak since I just memorized how to spell his name. Turns out when you Google (image version) Wally Szczerbiak, you get a lot of pictures of Wally Szczerbiak without his shirt on, looking like a basketball player people would say looks like a model. It's actually quite funny. To save you a step, here is a hyperlink that will take you to the page I'm talking about if you click on it:

Click this hyperlink that I was talking about at the end of the previous paragraph.

Here's another funny observation that I had last night during the basketball game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Orlando Magic. Because Wally Szczerbiak (see above) was doing well at basketball and his father happened to be in town, they showed a lot of crowd shots of Walt Szczerbiak. Within seconds of seeing him, I used my memory of people's faces to realize that he looks similar to Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan.

This is Jerry Sloan:

This is Walt Szczerbiak:

As you can see from those two photographs that I displayed above, both men have very grey hair which is parted on the left side of their head. Additionally, their faces have similar bone structure and features. However, in that photograph of Walt Szczerbiak, he is sporting a dashing mustache, which I can assure you was not present during the Cleveland Cavaliers versus Orlando Magic game that took place last evening. Isn't this an astute observation?

One last thing that I noticed while using Google (image version) to look for a photograph of Walt Szczerbiak is that when he was younger he looked like character actor Casey Affleck, while he portrayed the titular character in the motion picture The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, a movie about the mastermind behind the World Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X being killed by the man who invented cars.

I will now show you a picture of Walt Szczerbiak when he was younger:

And this is Casey Affleck, brother of Ben Affleck, in the movie about wrestling:

Isn't the resemblance striking? The each have disheveled hair, gingivitis, and prostethic limbs. That's why I made that observation.

Thanks for reading!