Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Great Oden's Foot Edition

• Maybe a week ago, Matt and I were talking about the prospects of Greg Oden. I'm in the "best dude ever" camp; Matt's a little more subdued/skeptical/other word starting with S. The main crux of his argument is that Oden might be injury-prone. I said, "worrying about injuries is silly." Matt got salty.
  
  However, Matt also appears to be right. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and today, I'm that big man.
• Due to internet obligations/my DVR being occupied by Dancing with the Stars and Without a Trace (not my choices), I only got to see about 10 minutes of the Bulls game. That's too bad, as it appears they are both exciting and maybe decent. Tyrus Thomas had a good game and Derrick Rose is for real. Larry Hughes being injured sure doesn't help hurt either.
• Skeets mentioned it last night, but I whole-heartedly agree that one of the best parts of the NBA season is seeing everybody's new hair/look/personal brand. It's hilarious.
  
  Particularly up for debate was Delonte West. I'm pro-hair as it makes him look less like a re-animated alien corpse, but that's just my opinion.
• Another important matter of business during the live blog was the creation of Goatman. Ergo, all posts this Friday will be done as Goatman, for Halloween. I don't know what that means, but it's going to happen.
• New podcast tomorrow, hopefully. It's available for subscription in iTunes now. Just search for the Blowtorch.
• More to come later...

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE: