Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Programming Note: OFF
Since I'll be in Toronto until Tuesday evening, I'm leaving the Blowtorch in the paws of my cat Boots with the Fur. She's not a great typist, but she's pretty witty. For instance, it was her idea to poop on the floor in that Brad Miller video. That being said, she's a reclusive genius; the Dave Chappelle of cats, if you will. I wouldn't count on her posting anything, but you might be able to find Blowtorch-branded silliness in or about other Internet locations.
Friday, March 27, 2009
More Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters
What up, Earth? We are. LOL.
It's me, Carmelo Kiyan Anthony. Just checkin' in from the deep, dark expanses of Space, wanted to let y'all know what me and Chauncey have been up to this week.
Main thing we've doing, like usual is watching Chauncey's movies. We ain't really know there wasn't going to be tons to do out here, but it's been cool. Like, we thought maybe we'd get a chance to grill out, but supposedly if you go outside the shuttle, you die instantly cause of no oxygen. Which also means the grill wouldn't work, but whatever.
So we stayed in and watched Chauncey's little DVD player. Chauncey, of course, brought Space movies because he loves Space. Right, Chaunce?
Word.His main flick this week, which we watched like 12 times is Wild Wild West. I didn't really think that was too Space-y, but Chauncey says it is.
So after we've watched this probably 8 times, Chauncey goes to the back of the shuttle and about ten minutes later he comes back with this sketch:
Inspired by Dr. Arliss Loveless, Chauncey wants to build this huge Space spider in our bay. I'm like, "yeah, cool, there's nothing else to do." So we started building it and building it and like equipping it with weaponry because that's what Loveless did and Chauncey is mad dedicated to the source material.
After maybe 3 days of building we tried out the Space spider using our shuttle's holding arm. But like, something went wrong and we accidentally detonated the missle before it was unlatched? We're not sure, since we followed Chaunce's detailed blueprint.
So I guess the big story this week is we made a space explosion.
We're alright though. Actually, I feel out-of-this-world good.
HA.
Melo
P.S. If there's anything you want to know about Space or anything else, let me know. I'll hook you up.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Brad Miller Show: An Evening with Brad Miller
Brad Miller is just a normal guy. He does laundry, cleans up cat poop, and bakes pizza. You know, normal guy stuff.
The Leak
In a world where people get book deals for pictures of other people's cats, pictures of other people's food, and even other people's Tweets, I figure there may be a tiny market for a Blowtorch-helmed book about basketball. And if there isn't, I want to write a book anyways. As such, I've been secretly writing a book that will be published in time for next season.
The question now: who will publish it? More than likely, the answer is me; but if you want to publish it, Famous Book Publishers, that'd be cool too.
To build "buzz," here's a sample chapter regarding Brandon Roy:
(click to enlarge)
Don't worry, there's more where that came from. All offers can be directed directly to The Blowtorch.
Kevin McHale is a Graveyard Smash
I was working in the lab late one night When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
He did the mash
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
50 Greatest Movie Villains of All-time
Top Movie Villains
I’m not sure what it is with top lists, but it just inspires me to make my own. I enjoy the inner argument that takes place in my mind. It is hard to make choices about who I like better as a villain, but the great thing about a top list is that I cannot be wrong because it is my opinion.
AFI inspired me to make my top 100 movies of all-time and now after looking at their website I decided to make the top 50 villains. They also have the top 50 hero’s to go along with that list that I will make shortly while I am bored at work and no longer have homework.
AFI considered some villains that I didn’t consider. For instance AFI’s list included Michael Corleone who I didn’t really consider to be the villain of Godfather 2. Same goes with a few of AFI’s choices, because I felt like the character was not truly the villain of the movie. So here it is in all its glory.
50. Pennywise- (Tim Curry)- IT
Ever wonder why are so many people afraid of clowns? Stop wondering.
49. Hal 9000- (Douglas Rain) - 2001 Space Odyssey
A calm computer that is completely evil only because the computer is trying to save itself, yet unforgettable as a sinister villain.
48. Shooter McGavin- (Christopher McDonald)- Happy Gilmore
Regardless of what happened in the parking lot after the U.S. open, Shooter is a memorable comedy movie villain.
47. Sid- (Erik von Detten)- Toy Story
As evil as a 10 year old kid could get.
46. John Doe- (Kevin Spacy) - Se7en
Although not in the movie very much this movie villain is as memorable as, we'll say the 7 deadly sins.
45. Percy Wetmore- (Doug Hutchinson)- The Green Mile
This guy is total wimp, not to mention he is so going to hell for squishing Mr. Jingles.
44. Judge Doom- (Christopher Lloyd)- Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Even immortal cartoon characters are scared of this guy.
43. Jimmy Markum- (Sean Penn)- Mystic River
I don’t think Sean Penn is acting at all in this movie, he is just himself, and in turn makes a great villain. Oh, go drink a gallon of "Milk" you political dingle-berry.
42. Dr. Elsa Schneider- (Alison Doody)- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
The first movie where I saw a beautiful woman become totally evil, and now it is a daily reoccurring thing.
41. Captin Vidal- (Sergi Lopez) - Pan's Labryinth
Holy Garbage this guy is horrible. I might not speak Spanish, but he would scare the hell out of me.
40. Jigsaw- (Tobin Bell) -Saw
This villain will either blow you mind or blow your mind off, but at least he gives you an ironic choice.
37. Magneto- (Ian McKellen)- X-Men movies
There is nothing like a good villain who truly believes his cause. Plus the fact that he can control metal is also very cool. Imagine all the fun you could have at a amusement park.
36. Ben Wade- (Russell Crowe)- 3:10 to Yuma
Bad Guys respecting good guys, doesn’t happen every day, but I like it.
35. Sheriff Beauford T. Justice- (Jackie Gleason)- Smokey and the Bandit
Not necessarily a villain per se, but he is the one chasing the good guys in a hilarious fashion.
34. Keyser Soze- (?????)- Usual Suspects
I can’t say why this is one of my favorite movie villains, but those who have seen it know what I mean.
33. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine- (Ian McDiarmid)- Star Wars Movies
Very persuading, especially for horny self-indulgent Jedi’s
32. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man- Ghostbusters
I know this isn’t a real person, but still one of the most memorable villains of
all-time. The few minutes he is on screen this delicious villain steals the show.
31. The Shredderi- (James Saito) - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies
One of the greatest superhero villains, the dude survived in a garbage truck compactor.
30. Jack Torrance- (Jack Nicholson)- The Shining
See what happens when men go without TV all winter.
29. Catwoman- (Michelle Pfeiffer) Batman Returns
One of the only redeeming qualities in Batman Returns is this sexy vixen.
28. Commodus- (Joaquin Phoenix)- Gladiator
Total coward + Falling in love with your sister + killing your father = movie villain greatness.
27. Jaws- (Richard Kiel)- Spy Who Loved Me (James Bond movies not the shark)
My Favorite Bond baddie, and that is saying a lot because there are tons. This guy never says a word, but you know he is all business. Plus, he beat the crap out of Shooter in the parking lot.
26. Xenia Onatopp- (Famke Janssen)- Goldeneye
The most memorable bad Bond girl ever, and she’s pretty smokin’ hot.
25. Capitan Ivan Drago- (Dolph Lundgren)- Rocky 4
“If he dies, he dies.” Classic line from this movie villain. I swear he is related to Andre Kirilenko.
24. Marsellus Wallace- (Ving Rhames)- Pulp Fiction
The bad ass of all movie villains.
23. Gollum- (Andy Serkis) -The Two Towers
More memorable than that pissed off lighthouse they call Sauron
22. Castor Troy- (John Travolta and Nickolas Cage)- Face Off
I know this is played by two people in the same movie, but that’s what makes this bad guy so awesome.
21. Vincent- (Tom Cruise)- Collateral
Is it the gray hair? Or perhaps it's the fact that he is killing several people? Either way Tom Cruise plays a awesome bad guy in this movie. He could scare the Scientology out of Anybody, well that is except himself.
20. The Predator- (Kevin Peter Hall)- The Predator
He may be one ugly mother……..but he is also one of the most memorable creatures Hollywood has ever produced not to mention all the killer gadgets.
19. Col. William Tavington- (Jason Isaacs) - The Patriot
I hated this bad guy so bad at the end of the movie I nearly cheered in the theater when he died.
18. Bill Lumbergh- (Gary Cole)- Office Space
Yeah...that would be great if this villain was in more movies, or how about a small role on the Office. Michael Scott and this guy could have a field day together.
17. Biff Tannen- (Thomas F. Wilson)- Back To The Future movies
Biff is like the ultimate bully of all-time. If he only knew about himself before he was adding coats of wax to George McFly’s new car.
16. Max Cady- (Robert De Niro)- Cape Fear
De Niro is so creepy in this movie that he will probably never be invited to his own children’s birthday parties
15. T1000- (Robert Patrick)- Terminator 2
Liquid Metal are you kidding me? This is one villain who I thought during the movie that there is no way the good guys can kill him, but thanks to convenient, right off the freeway steel factory I was wrong.
14. Agent Smith- (Hugo Weaving)- The Matrix movies
The reason why Smith is a great bad guy is that he truly despises human beings. That hatred gives him great power and satisfaction even for a computer program gone bad.
13. Dark Helmet- (Rick Moranis)- Spaceballs
Dark Helmet plays with dolls, combs deserts, and watches movies before they are even released, yet the Swartz is still strong with him.
12. The Terminator- (Arnold Schwarzenegger)- The Terminator
This bad guy was brutal and unstoppable. Arnold may never win an Oscar, but he wins my heart as one of the greatest villains ever.
11. Hans Gruber- (Alan Rickman)-Die Hard
I’m still not sure why this movie villain is so great, but he just is. Maybe it is the fact that all he really wants is money, yet hides behind a mask of terrorism, or maybe he is just freakin’ cool.
10. Dr. Evil- (Mike Myers)- Austin Powers movies
I would say that Dr. Evil is funnier than Austin Powers himself. These movies would probably suck without him.
9. Tommy DeVito- (Joe Pesci) – Goodfellas
This guy gets ranked so high because of his infamous villainy, but this is a real person who really did most of what the character in the movie does. Kind of cool and sick eh?
8. The Joker- (Jack Nicholson)- Batman
Funny, yet diabolically genius. The fact that he smiles all the time just makes this villain even more ridiculously awesome.
7. Amon Goeth- (Ralph Fiennes)- Schindler’s list
If you looked up ‘pure evil’ in the dictionary this guys picture would be right there next to the definition.
6. Alonzo Harris- (Denzel Washington)- Training Day
Alonzo is probably the most manipulative villain ever. It’s like a teeter-totter with this guy, one minute you think he’s cool the next, he’s got you by some kind of shoe program that not even King Kong can give him crap about.
5. Bill the Butcher- (Daniel Day-Lewis)- Gangs of New York
This is one most brutal villains in movie history. Everything he does and is about is rough, yet one reason why he is a top baddie is his respect for an honorable opponent.
4. Anton Chigurh- (Javier Bardem)- No Country for Old Men
Unstoppable, totally insane, yet a man of principles. This guy stole the show as the baddie who even makes hero’s quit.
3. Hannibal Lecter- (Anthony Hopkins)- Silence of the Lambs
The guy eats people for fun. Good-freakin-night! We are all screwed. Hannibal is one of the greatest villains of all time because he is smart and calm, but absolutely insane.
2. The Joker- (Heath Ledger)- Batman:The Dark Knight
Wow, is Mom spelled backwards, and I must say I wouldn't want this crazy around my Mom. I must say I was worried before the movie came out that his role would be overrated because he died, but seriously he was simply amazing.
1. Darth Vader- (James Earl Jones)- Star Wars movies
The only bad guy to have 3 films based off how he became who he is. His fall from good is interesting, but it is his role as a villain that gives him top honors. Just by the way he breathes alone one can tell that he is not messing around. And like all of us, he has just a smidgeon of good inside him that ultimately saves the galaxy. Does that make him a hero?
I’m not sure what it is with top lists, but it just inspires me to make my own. I enjoy the inner argument that takes place in my mind. It is hard to make choices about who I like better as a villain, but the great thing about a top list is that I cannot be wrong because it is my opinion.
AFI inspired me to make my top 100 movies of all-time and now after looking at their website I decided to make the top 50 villains. They also have the top 50 hero’s to go along with that list that I will make shortly while I am bored at work and no longer have homework.
AFI considered some villains that I didn’t consider. For instance AFI’s list included Michael Corleone who I didn’t really consider to be the villain of Godfather 2. Same goes with a few of AFI’s choices, because I felt like the character was not truly the villain of the movie. So here it is in all its glory.
50. Pennywise- (Tim Curry)- IT
Ever wonder why are so many people afraid of clowns? Stop wondering.
49. Hal 9000- (Douglas Rain) - 2001 Space Odyssey
A calm computer that is completely evil only because the computer is trying to save itself, yet unforgettable as a sinister villain.
48. Shooter McGavin- (Christopher McDonald)- Happy Gilmore
Regardless of what happened in the parking lot after the U.S. open, Shooter is a memorable comedy movie villain.
47. Sid- (Erik von Detten)- Toy Story
As evil as a 10 year old kid could get.
46. John Doe- (Kevin Spacy) - Se7en
Although not in the movie very much this movie villain is as memorable as, we'll say the 7 deadly sins.
45. Percy Wetmore- (Doug Hutchinson)- The Green Mile
This guy is total wimp, not to mention he is so going to hell for squishing Mr. Jingles.
44. Judge Doom- (Christopher Lloyd)- Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Even immortal cartoon characters are scared of this guy.
43. Jimmy Markum- (Sean Penn)- Mystic River
I don’t think Sean Penn is acting at all in this movie, he is just himself, and in turn makes a great villain. Oh, go drink a gallon of "Milk" you political dingle-berry.
42. Dr. Elsa Schneider- (Alison Doody)- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
The first movie where I saw a beautiful woman become totally evil, and now it is a daily reoccurring thing.
41. Captin Vidal- (Sergi Lopez) - Pan's Labryinth
Holy Garbage this guy is horrible. I might not speak Spanish, but he would scare the hell out of me.
40. Jigsaw- (Tobin Bell) -Saw
This villain will either blow you mind or blow your mind off, but at least he gives you an ironic choice.
39. Ed Rooney- (Jeffery Jones)- Farris Bueller’s Day Off
The only bad guy school principle that sounds like Dirty Harry. I love this villain, Farris getting the day off would not be half as sweet without screwing over Rooney at the same time.
38. Brick Top- (Alan Ford)- Snatch
I’ll never look at pig owners the same again.
The only bad guy school principle that sounds like Dirty Harry. I love this villain, Farris getting the day off would not be half as sweet without screwing over Rooney at the same time.
38. Brick Top- (Alan Ford)- Snatch
I’ll never look at pig owners the same again.
37. Magneto- (Ian McKellen)- X-Men movies
There is nothing like a good villain who truly believes his cause. Plus the fact that he can control metal is also very cool. Imagine all the fun you could have at a amusement park.
36. Ben Wade- (Russell Crowe)- 3:10 to Yuma
Bad Guys respecting good guys, doesn’t happen every day, but I like it.
35. Sheriff Beauford T. Justice- (Jackie Gleason)- Smokey and the Bandit
Not necessarily a villain per se, but he is the one chasing the good guys in a hilarious fashion.
34. Keyser Soze- (?????)- Usual Suspects
I can’t say why this is one of my favorite movie villains, but those who have seen it know what I mean.
33. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine- (Ian McDiarmid)- Star Wars Movies
Very persuading, especially for horny self-indulgent Jedi’s
32. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man- Ghostbusters
I know this isn’t a real person, but still one of the most memorable villains of
all-time. The few minutes he is on screen this delicious villain steals the show.
31. The Shredderi- (James Saito) - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies
One of the greatest superhero villains, the dude survived in a garbage truck compactor.
30. Jack Torrance- (Jack Nicholson)- The Shining
See what happens when men go without TV all winter.
29. Catwoman- (Michelle Pfeiffer) Batman Returns
One of the only redeeming qualities in Batman Returns is this sexy vixen.
28. Commodus- (Joaquin Phoenix)- Gladiator
Total coward + Falling in love with your sister + killing your father = movie villain greatness.
27. Jaws- (Richard Kiel)- Spy Who Loved Me (James Bond movies not the shark)
My Favorite Bond baddie, and that is saying a lot because there are tons. This guy never says a word, but you know he is all business. Plus, he beat the crap out of Shooter in the parking lot.
26. Xenia Onatopp- (Famke Janssen)- Goldeneye
The most memorable bad Bond girl ever, and she’s pretty smokin’ hot.
25. Capitan Ivan Drago- (Dolph Lundgren)- Rocky 4
“If he dies, he dies.” Classic line from this movie villain. I swear he is related to Andre Kirilenko.
24. Marsellus Wallace- (Ving Rhames)- Pulp Fiction
The bad ass of all movie villains.
23. Gollum- (Andy Serkis) -The Two Towers
More memorable than that pissed off lighthouse they call Sauron
22. Castor Troy- (John Travolta and Nickolas Cage)- Face Off
I know this is played by two people in the same movie, but that’s what makes this bad guy so awesome.
21. Vincent- (Tom Cruise)- Collateral
Is it the gray hair? Or perhaps it's the fact that he is killing several people? Either way Tom Cruise plays a awesome bad guy in this movie. He could scare the Scientology out of Anybody, well that is except himself.
20. The Predator- (Kevin Peter Hall)- The Predator
He may be one ugly mother……..but he is also one of the most memorable creatures Hollywood has ever produced not to mention all the killer gadgets.
19. Col. William Tavington- (Jason Isaacs) - The Patriot
I hated this bad guy so bad at the end of the movie I nearly cheered in the theater when he died.
18. Bill Lumbergh- (Gary Cole)- Office Space
Yeah...that would be great if this villain was in more movies, or how about a small role on the Office. Michael Scott and this guy could have a field day together.
17. Biff Tannen- (Thomas F. Wilson)- Back To The Future movies
Biff is like the ultimate bully of all-time. If he only knew about himself before he was adding coats of wax to George McFly’s new car.
16. Max Cady- (Robert De Niro)- Cape Fear
De Niro is so creepy in this movie that he will probably never be invited to his own children’s birthday parties
15. T1000- (Robert Patrick)- Terminator 2
Liquid Metal are you kidding me? This is one villain who I thought during the movie that there is no way the good guys can kill him, but thanks to convenient, right off the freeway steel factory I was wrong.
14. Agent Smith- (Hugo Weaving)- The Matrix movies
The reason why Smith is a great bad guy is that he truly despises human beings. That hatred gives him great power and satisfaction even for a computer program gone bad.
13. Dark Helmet- (Rick Moranis)- Spaceballs
Dark Helmet plays with dolls, combs deserts, and watches movies before they are even released, yet the Swartz is still strong with him.
12. The Terminator- (Arnold Schwarzenegger)- The Terminator
This bad guy was brutal and unstoppable. Arnold may never win an Oscar, but he wins my heart as one of the greatest villains ever.
11. Hans Gruber- (Alan Rickman)-
I’m still not sure why this movie villain is so great, but he just is. Maybe it is the fact that all he really wants is money, yet hides behind a mask of terrorism, or maybe he is just freakin’ cool.
10. Dr. Evil- (Mike Myers)- Austin Powers movies
I would say that Dr. Evil is funnier than Austin Powers himself. These movies would probably suck without him.
9. Tommy DeVito- (Joe Pesci) – Goodfellas
This guy gets ranked so high because of his infamous villainy, but this is a real person who really did most of what the character in the movie does. Kind of cool and sick eh?
8. The Joker- (Jack Nicholson)- Batman
Funny, yet diabolically genius. The fact that he smiles all the time just makes this villain even more ridiculously awesome.
7. Amon Goeth- (Ralph Fiennes)- Schindler’s list
If you looked up ‘pure evil’ in the dictionary this guys picture would be right there next to the definition.
6. Alonzo Harris- (Denzel Washington)- Training Day
Alonzo is probably the most manipulative villain ever. It’s like a teeter-totter with this guy, one minute you think he’s cool the next, he’s got you by some kind of shoe program that not even King Kong can give him crap about.
5. Bill the Butcher- (Daniel Day-Lewis)- Gangs of New York
This is one most brutal villains in movie history. Everything he does and is about is rough, yet one reason why he is a top baddie is his respect for an honorable opponent.
4. Anton Chigurh- (Javier Bardem)- No Country for Old Men
Unstoppable, totally insane, yet a man of principles. This guy stole the show as the baddie who even makes hero’s quit.
3. Hannibal Lecter- (Anthony Hopkins)- Silence of the Lambs
The guy eats people for fun. Good-freakin-night! We are all screwed. Hannibal is one of the greatest villains of all time because he is smart and calm, but absolutely insane.
2. The Joker- (Heath Ledger)- Batman:
Wow, is Mom spelled backwards, and I must say I wouldn't want this crazy around my Mom. I must say I was worried before the movie came out that his role would be overrated because he died, but seriously he was simply amazing.
1. Darth Vader- (James Earl Jones)- Star Wars movies
The only bad guy to have 3 films based off how he became who he is. His fall from good is interesting, but it is his role as a villain that gives him top honors. Just by the way he breathes alone one can tell that he is not messing around. And like all of us, he has just a smidgeon of good inside him that ultimately saves the galaxy. Does that make him a hero?
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