Courtney Neilson made me

I have been inspired by Courtney to start blogging. She is officially the wind beneath my wings.

"Thank you. Thank You, Thank God for you Courtney Neilson, the wind beneath my wings."

Stax Records' Newest Artist

Straight out of Soulsville, USA, the Memphis Grizzlies present The New Mad Lads. Only on Stax Records.

Hakim - the thoughtful one. Check him out way dooowwwwnnn looooooooooowww. He's sensitive, but he's strong. Raised in the church, Hakim made his stage debut at the tender age of 3.

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Darko - the heart-throb. Sure he's the cute one, but he'll tear your heart out. Literally. But don't worry ladies, he's got a soft side he can't help displaying.

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Marc -- the funny one. He's all smiles, just having a great time. Of course he'll let you stroke his beard! You might remember him as the keyboardist for his brother's band Pau and the Gas Men.

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Hamed -- the eccentric one. While not as beloved by the group's fans, Hamed is the creative force behind the group. That's right girls and gals, he's responsible for hits such as "Giggin' with the Grizzlies," "Beale Street Stomp," and the newest smash single "I Wanna Play in the USA."

I Need This

If you couldn't tell, I'm looking at a lot of random Ricky Rubio things right now. If any one can find a way to have this shipped to the United States, I need this Ricky/Rudy shirt. Immediately.

Email me or leave something in the comments if you have any ideas.

Wiki Rubio

(click for large version)

I'm as big of a Ricky Rubio fan as you'll find, but even I think this is a little excessive.

Stephon Marbury Calls P. Diddy

P. Diddy: Bad Boy, baby. This Diddy.

Stephon Marbury: What up Puff it's Steph aka the Steph aka Starbury aka the Mothership aka Stephon Marbury aka Big Time aka Hollaback I'm bout to get me a jet son but not like the Jetsons but that show's CRAZY man they got that blazin' hott robot that gets 'em drinks and food and like does they laundry and all that maybe I will get me a Jetson on second thought then maybe that chick with the white hair with all them circles will come keep Stephysteph company now that I ain't gotta worry about ball I mean I'm still about ballin' but that ain't like something that keep Starbeezy up at night worryin' I need to get me to Europe Daddy but not Daddy in the gay way no homo right nonetheless I'm feelin' jets right now I wanna get one that turns into a car like that dude Shy of the Buff you know from that movie with all them crazy jets that try to like kill Will Smith I think one of those Rubik's cube jets is the jet I'm tryin' a get and I figured you gotta have at least three of them jets that turn into things so I need you to hook me up holla.

P. Diddy: This Jada?

Carlos and Michael Go On a Yacht

Mike Krzyzewski: Carlos, 'tis an honor that you would grace me with your prescence upon my yacht, the USS Krzyzewski.

Carlos Boozer: Certainly, my dear friend. Your yacht is a wonder among wonders. 'Tis my greatest pleasure to join you for the nautical adventure. Or should I say...yachtical adventure?

Krzyzewski and Boozer share a hearty laugh

MK: Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. You never cease to tickle my funny bone with your gentle pun-based humor.

CB: Only the education of the finest university in all the land could produce humor like this, dear Michael. To Duke University!

MK: Carlos, wait! We haven't any aperitifs! Jonathan, please bring me and my dear friend Carlos a Tom Collins.

JJ Redick: Yes, sir. Right away sir. Can I get you anything else?

MK: JUST GET ME THE TOM COLLINS! IT'S NOT THAT HARD IS IT?! YOU GET THAT COLLINS HERE FAST OR YOU GET THE STICK!

Krzyzewski turns back to Boozer

Sorry about that, Carlos. Good help is SO hard to find these days.

CB: You sir, are preaching to the choir. The clean-up after the Prince fiasco took eons. Not a soul knew how to properly frame my Caravaggio. The truest of travesties, Michael. Say, where is Jonathan?

MK: JONATHAN, WHAT IN THE NAME OF MIKE KRZYZEWSKI IS TAKING SO LONG?! I NEED MY DRINK NOW OR YOU'RE GOING IN THE HOLE AGAIN!

JR: Sorry, sir. It's just that we're out of lemons, so I had to substitute Real Lemon. The equivalents aren't quite exact and I know how you like your Collins.

MK: YOU MUST BE JOKING RIGHT NOW! YOU KNEW CARLOS WAS COMING ON THE YACHT! HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE LEMONS?!

JR: Sir, we've been sailing from Beijing to New York. I haven't had a chance to buy lemons.

MK: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THERE'S NOT A SINGLE LEMON IN ALL OF CHINA?! 1.5 BILLION PEOPLE AND ZERO LEMONS?! DOWN TO THE HOLE! NOW!

Krzyzewski turns to Boozer

My lord, I don't know why I keep that boy around.

CB: Well, Michael, he is ... Redickated to you.

Krzyzewski and Boozer share a hearty laugh

Thanks for the Memories Beijing...

There is one thing the Olympics have taught me. Even small market guys can get big time pub.

Bob McClaren (Deron's agent) has taught Deron how to become a superstar in a small market....see below

"If you have an opportunity to be in a commercial with Kobe, Lebron, Dwight and CP3..do it. Even if you have to hold a damn banjo."

"Get in photo shoots with current world icons. Even the goofy looking ones."

"Always stand next to Lebron and you will be in at least three times as many

publications as you would by yourself."

"If the best NBA players in the world are standing for a picture with Coach K? Put your arm around him like he's your father-in-law...even if CP3 gives you the evil eye."

"When posing for photos with CP3...always position yourself in front of him. No matter what."

"When the team gathers around should-be-Gold-Medal winner Doug Collins to put a Gold medal around his neck, make sure you give him your medal so you look unselfish and respectful to those Olympians who went before you."
(This is my favorite picture by the way.)

So there you go. If you are a young potential superstar but stuck in a small market town, just hook up with Bob McClaren and watch what he can do to your career.

Other Things the US Men's Basketball Team Can Redeem

The United States of America men's basketball team won some sort of gold medal early Sunday morning. Apparently this means that the United States' failure in international competition has been redeemed. Sure, they didn't win gold in three straight tournaments, but one gold medal obviously clears that away. Dan Shanoff said so.

ANYHOW, since these fellows have done their redeeming duties, the United States government has sent them out to rectify various other situations that need help. A partial list follows.

• Adam Sandler's movie career.
• The reason why "4 Minutes" was ever number one.
• Soulja Boy.
• Seth Rogen is making too many movies.
• Will Ferrell is making too many movies.
• That I'm not getting paid to do this.
• Spain hasn't won an international basketball title since 2006. Possible conflict of interest.
• No Stephon Marbury interviews lately.
• Hot dogs and hot dog buns are sold in different quantities.
• Fish taco quality varies greatly from place to place.
• No advances on teleportation technology.
• The fact that Sonic commercials have been showing in the Chicagoland area for at least 4 years but there has not been a Sonic within 75 miles until last week.
• Vince Carter.
• The relative unavailability of Pimp Juice, Crunk, and Booty Sweat energy drinks.
• That The Office and LOST have been off the air for so long.
• That you have to write it as "LOST" when it should be just "Lost."

The Redeem Team is busy, but if you have any requests leave them in the comments and I'll make sure Colangelo knows about them.

Let's Do This Boys!

Though it may be Ridiculously Corny, This is an Appropriate Team Picture

This? Well, this is the Team Photo of Silver Medalists

The "Redeem Team" is one win away from reclaiming Olympic Gold. Sunday Morning Team USA will face Spain...again, this time for Gold. This means those of us in Salt Lake City will be watching the game sometime Tuesday or Wednesday. (Thanks Local NBC Affiliate for showing coverage of the Local Dutch Oven Cook-Off, rather than live Olympic Coverage.)

The first match-up between these two was a bit lopsided with the US beating Spain 119-82. This game should have the same result, however, I do not want to get to over-confident. The good news is, we have home court advantage. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, the Chinese worship Kobe, Lebron, etc. as it is. Now, after "Team Photo-Gate 2008" I'm guessing the entire stadium is going to be on our side. (With the exception of Raul Lopez's sister and the Gasol family.....although, I have heard Mom Gasol is disappointed in her boys.")

With Home Court Advantage on our side and the fact that we are simply better than Spain, I would be shocked if our boys are not standing on the Podium Sunday receiving their Gold Medals. I just pray it doesn't come down to a couple of Boozer free throws with no time on the clock. Here are my predictions:

USA 107 Spain 81

Lebron- 28 Points, 8 Boards

D-Wade- 18 Points, 5 Boards

D-Will- 12 Points, 8 Assists

Carlos Boozer- 4 Points, 2 Boards. First chance of national coverage is marred due to lack of room on the podium. Boozer stands behind team as they receive their medals.

MVP for Spain- None other than Raul Lopez! The former Jazz man leads Spain with 6 Points, 1 Board, 4 fouls and 6 carries.

Bring it Home Redeem Team!

Booner

1000 Words: The Olympic Rings

Was this new breathing technique created to allow for easy inhalation in the Beijing smog? It seems pretty popular with all the countries.

Ch-Check It Out

My latest HP post. 98% made up, 2% silliness.

Reasons No One Wants to Play for the Bucks

I was in Wisconsin the past three days, doing things one would do while in Wisconsin. These things included eating, sleeping, going on a lake, and trying to find things to do. With that in mind, I've broken the code on why no NBA player actually wants to play for the Bucks. Here's some facts about Wisconsin that might influence a players decision:

• the nicest restaurant in all of Wisconsin is called Scuttlebutt's.
• sure, you can buy fudge from a confectioner, but it's recommended to buy it from "an old lady up the road who makes it everyday."
• the most attractive female I saw in three days had a broken arm in a full cast.
• the only non-white people in the state are tourists and athletes.
• you can only enjoy a jetski for an hour at a time, tops.
• it's "hot" when it's 80 degrees, which isn't actually hot.
• pieces of random Bucks gear seen this week? Zero items.
• uniforms are Christmas colors.
• fattest state ever even if studies don't back it up.
• the accents.

In all honesty, I like Wisconsin a normal amount. Sure there's no culture, virtuallly zero good-looking women, and a lack of culinary delights outside of The Mars Cheese Castle but places like Madison (where m'lady attended college) are great. The people are nice (and fat). They have motorcycle races up enormous hills. It's relaxing in a "I don't have to do anything ever" way. These are good things.

For real though, you can see why Yi and Richard Jefferson aren't the biggest fans. At least Minnesota has Prince.

Back Soon

I'm out of town for the next three days. Sorry, humans. I'll have a few things here and there since they're very mobile friendly but probably nothing here.


However, I will recommend that you buy this shirt. I did.

AK shoots 100% against Australia

Too bad that was only from the free throw line where he was 4/4. How was he from the field you ask... a less-than-stellar 1/10. Yep, in 36 min of play, our own AK-47, the star of the Russian team, managed only 6 points in a 95-80 loss. However, he did collect 6 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 steals and a block; thereby solidifying his spot as one of the highest paid role players in the NBA.

I really love AK's game, but he's only worth about half of what we're paying him. With Booz and Memo looking for (another) big payday, AK's contract may be what sinks this team. Again, I love his game, but we need to trade him for an expiring contract and a center who can play (at least some) defense. At this point, I've even willing to trade him for a Laker, say...Odom? With Bynum back in the picture Odom will be the 4th or even 5th scoring option behind the Doberman, the Racist, the Laker fans' newly annointed basketball god, and the Turncoat. Odom shredded Booz during the playoffs so we know he has some game, although playing against Booz isn't the best way to gauge a player's offensive abilities since he apparently likes to fill his shoes with sand before the games.

Someone call KOC, I think I'm on to something here...

UPDATE: Ben Gordon doesn't want to play with the Bulls anymore. He stated today that he won't sign a qualifying offer and has played his last game with the Bulls. Gordon made $3.5 million last year and averaged 18.6 ppg and shot 41% from 3 (now THAT is efficiency, you listening AK?) I say sign-and-trade AK for Gordon and Gooden (Gooden is a making 7 mil but is in the last year of his contract). Gordon will likely sign for about 7 mil per (that's double his current salary) so with Gooden's salary coming off the books after this season, that's about 7.5 million more we have to spend on Oboozikur when they opt out. Pull the trigger O'Connor!

Stephon Marbury Calls Italy

Giorgio Napolitano: Ciao, questo è Giorgio Napolitano.

Stephon Marbury: Yo this Italy right cause I ain’t have no idea what you just said George-O I’m just callin’ cause I’m comin’ there in not too long and I wanna make sure y’all got somewhere to sell my shoes cause these shoes is hot in the street yo and ain’t talkin’ Rick Ross hot in the street where he ain’t really hot in the street the Starbury for real son so don’t front but I just also am lettin’ you know that I’ma be joining one of y’alls teams and I plan on winning some titles and some championships and gettin’ that Larry OB over to Italy don’t doubt that I know the exchange rate is messed up right now but I’m guessing you got somethin’ that means dime in Italyish and y’all must know I’ll be droppin’ whatever that is ON THE REGULAR ain’t no thang for Stephon aka Steph aka Starbury aka Steve aka Stephontigallo aka Massive aka NY4LIFE but it ain’t all Italydimes I’ma be on my jumpshot game I’ma be on my dunk game YOU KNOW I’ma be on my Steph-Away game I don’t that it translates exactly but it’s gonna revolutionize Europia like Michaelangelo Da Vinci or whoever that dude was holla.

Giorgio Napolitano: Qualcuno get me le Nazioni Unite immediatamente.

Moore on the picture, folks.

A Tribute to the Greeks

Since Team USA just vanquished their foes, what better time than now to pay respect to the NBA blogosphere's finest Greek, Tas Melas. Below are a wide variety of pictures of Tas, culled from various sources throughout the internet.

A Phone Call from Stephon Marbury to Jerry Colangelo

In Beijing, a phone rings in Jerry Colangelo’s mobile office…

Jerry Colangelo: Hello?

Stephon Marbury: Yeah what up Jer I’m jus’ callin’ to see when we startin’ team USA practice I’m pumped to be headin’ to China dog they food there be CRAZY son I’m talkin’ egg foo young and fried rice and fortune cookies and THE GENERAL B the General is gonna be crazy yo we talkin’ actual Chinese General not that whack Panda Express nonsense actual Chinese General it’s gonna be RIDICULOUS but anyway I just wanna see when practice starts I been workin’ on my game it’s all I been doin’ Jer well except the head tattoo that thing’s itchy as all get-out for real though my step-back is looking tight and my fall-away I even added one ain’t no one seen yet call it the Steph-Away it’s basically a step-back plus a fall-away which is unguardable but you already know that I figger I’ll prolly drop a dime here and there cuz it get boring otherwise for the other dudes I mean you know I don’t mind shooting whenever wherever but for real JerBear we takin’ it this time no sweat we takin’ it we are I ain’t care if Yao and E and Dirk and Caveman and all them other dudes playin’ for Greece again that was a fluke we can’t be stopped holla.

Jerry Colangelo: Who IS this?

and Lakers fans call us Classless?

Isn't that none other than Lakers star Pau Gasol 3rd from the left?

Feel free to comment Lakers fans.

Stay Classy Spain.

Hey Raul Lopez #6. We don't miss you.

Grading the "Redeem Team"

How pathetic were the last 8 years for USA basketball that we have to redeem ourselves in the Olympics this year? I am not trying to be an arrogant American here, but we should not be trying to redeem ourselves of anything basketball related in the world arena. Over the last 8 years our best players were being selfish and arrogant and we put together teams hi-lighted by the likes of Richard Jefferson, Stephon Marbury and Shawn Marion. It is true that the world game has advanced, but not to the point that we would lose to Puerto Rico and Greece whose total population between the two countries can't be more than the state of New Jersey. But alas, we took our dominance for granted and here we are trying to restore the glory and redeem ourselves as the best in the world. After 2 games against a very spirited Chinese team and an Angolan team whose only goal was to lose by less than 40 do we really know anything about our team? Probably not, but I am going to give the players a grade anyway.

Starting 5

Jason Kidd: C-


All I have to say about Jason Kidd is "whatever". Its nice and all that you got off your rocker and came over to be the baby sitter, but feel free to contribute to the team at some time. Its time to give the floor to Chris Paul and Deron Williams full time.


Kobe Bryant: C+



Feel free to hit a shot Kobe. Your defense has been really good and I understand you are not trying to take over and be the main scoring option, but 1-15 from a really short 3 point line just plain sucks.


Lebron James: A



Dude is a freak and playing like an absolute animal on both ends of the floor. The only drawback to his game so far and the only thing keeping him from an A+ is his poor free throw shooting, 3 of 8 so far.


Carmello Anthony: C+



Horrible against China, played better against Angola. He is obviously not on this team for his defensive abilities so feel free to start being better offensively.


Dwight Howard: A-



The Man Child. I would trade AK, Boozer and Memo to get him on the Jazz. In the whole world, only Lebron can compete with this guy physically. I would like to see him rebound a bit more and block a few shots, but over all he is playing great.

The 6th Man

Dwayne Wade: A+


The MVP so far. His stat line for the first games:

38 Points, 13 of 15 shooting, 2 of 3 from 3, 10 of 12 Free Trows, 5 Boards, 3 Steals, 2 Assists.

Keep in mind that he has played a total of 36 minutes or just barely what he would have in 1 NBA game. He has missed a total of 4 shots including free throws. No more needs to be said.

The Rotation Players

Deron William and Chris Paul: B+

I hate putting these two together, but they really are playing very similar roles right now and both are doing it very well. Deron and Chris are both playing very solid overall games; scoring some, assisting some, rebounding a little, being a pest on D and between the two of them should be getting all of the PG / backup SG minutes at Jason Kidd's expense. The team excels when one or both of these two are on the court.

Chris Bosh: B

The Predator is playing some really good ball right now, but tends to get pushed around a bit by bigger opponents. He and Dwight Howard are a good change of pace combo for that position.

The Specialists

Michael Redd and Tayshaun Prince: B-

Both are here to do one thing that they do really good and nothing else. Redd is here to shoot and soften up a zone and Prince is here to be a defensive pest and cause havoc. Redd's shooting could be a little better, but overall they are meeting expectations with their current roles.

The Victory Cigar

Carlos Boozer: D

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Boozer has the ball on the low block at point blank range and misses the easy jump hook or attempts to finesse a finger roll when he should have just rammed it down some poor guys throat. Or how about this one, Boozer is guarding a so-so player in the low block and gets blown by on a simple spin move for 2 while he is left standing there with his back still facing the basket. Its almost like he thinks the guy is still in front of him. Point is, it was easy to look past the defensive short comings when his offense was so brilliant, but throughout the playoffs and now these first two Olympic games I am officially concerned.

1000 Words: LOUD NOISES

PAU!

YAO!



WOW!

A Guide to Wearing Headbands

It may seem unthinkable now, but back in the late 1990s the headband was rare. You had your Chris Gatlings or your Clifford Robinsons, but that was about it. However, at the turn of the century a courageous group of players broke through the vaunted headband barrier to bring personal expression to a whole new level. That group: the Portland TrailBlazers. Those players: Brian Grant, Rasheed Wallace, Bonzi Wells, Scottie Pippen, Greg Anthony.

The Blowtorch salutes those brave souls. In their honor, please consult the following guide whenever you decide to wear a headband.

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THE STANDARD

Style: The Standard (formerly "the Cliff") is the most commonly seen headband style in today's NBA. Bisecting the player's forehead, the band is worn just above the ears and nestles under the protuberance on the back of the skull.

Currrent Practitioners: Rajon Rondo, Boobie Gibson, Brad Miller

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THE WAYBACK

Stule: The Wayback is worn high on the head, possibly to disguise the unfortunately high "fivehead" that a player might have. While the player may look normal while wearing the headband, once the band is removed their movie screen-esque forehead is prominently displayed.

Current Practitioners: LeBron James, Vince Carter

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THE OLD-TIMER

Style: While the Wayback is worn to disguise a grotesque physical anomaly, the Pierce is worn to combat a receding hairline. The Pierce is typically worn lower on the back part of the head in order to allow for coverage up front. Players who sport the Pierce generally appear slovenly.

Current Practitioners: Paul Pierce, Corey Maggette, Rasheed Wallace

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THE LOW-RIDER

Style: The Low-Rider is worn very low across the forehead, almost covering the eyebrows. It is assumed that this style originated from the wearing of low-slung fitted baseball caps.

Current Practitioners: Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, Jason Terry

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THE JUST A BIT OFF

Style: The Just A Bit Off is worn pushed back on the head in an almost yarmulke-like fashion. This style is generally worn by the player who is goofy, dangerous, crazy, or insane, hence the name.

Current Practitioners: Steven Jackson (circa Brawl), Michael Beasley, Gerald Green

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THE EARMUFF

Style: In general, the Earmuff is worn by an older player who is out of touch with current style trends. Off the court, an Earmuff wearer can often be seen sporting hideous outfits that no sane human would be seen in. Of course, hipsters have co-opted this look.

Current Practitioners: Derek Fisher, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire

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THE GENIE Style: The Genie is a rarely seen headband style that takes both the Low-Rider and the Earmuff to the extreme. The band is worn low on the head, covering both the ears and the eyebrows. While this style is extremely rare, it has been captured by cameras on one occasion.
Current Practitioners: Julian Wright