There's a Reason My Last Name's Love

Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

Time for the Jazz to Make a Move

What was destined to be the hottest selling jersey on www.myutahjazz.blogspot.com may never be sold at all.

So, I wake up this morning and due to week three of the permanent dead leg I received playing basketball, take 25 minutes to drag my leg out of bed and walk to the living room. The walk to the living room wears me out so I immediately sit back down on the couch and turn on the T.V. The first thing I hear is"Ron Artest traded to Houston and Chicago has a verbal agreement with Deng." Are you kidding me! Everyone is making moves and so far our best move involves a guy named Brevin Knight. Well, that's not true we did lock D-Will up for a few more years, which is the most important move.

This got me thinking though, what moves are left? Who can we get that is going to put us over the top. It's not CJ Miles and it's not Brevin Knight. Speaking with David Locke on Monday I thought Luol Deng may be it, but it looks like that idea has been shut down. Who is left? Is there a deal out there that makes us the team to beat? Artest brings a lot of Drama but he is good. You are lying if that signing doesn't concern you as a Jazz fan.

I want to hear from you, our readers, what you really think needs to happen. So, to get the conversation going, Hammy, Pick-N-Roll, Whistle, CB and myself compiled our list of realistic....err, not a chance in hell trades, we need to make happen. I'll start with mine:

Booner:
AK for Deng (Yes, our chances are all but lost, but I am holding on to a little hope.)

AK for Chris Kaman (Don't judge me for this. You know you would love having a legitimate big man that can score. Plus he doesn't look near as ugly next to Korver.)

CJ for anyone of the Barry boys. (I don't care if it's the Dad, it just seems if you have a Barry on your team you are making, at the very least, the conference finals.)

Hammy chimes in with a few ideas that look so simple:

Carlos Boozer for Dwight Howard

Carlos Boozer for Chris Bosh

AK for Paul Pierce

AK for Lebron

CJ for Joe Johnson

Pick-n-Roll continues his mission to get the "Cookie Monster" in a Jazz uniform:

1-Shane Battier & Dikembe Mutombo for AK & Ron Ron
2- Boozer & exp contract for Amare Stoudmemire
3- Crazy trade with Sac-town to get Ron Artest.....too late

Whistle, the Manny Ramirez of Jazz blogs, just being the whistle:

Memo, Boozer and AK for Dwight Howard

Boozer for Anyone

Korver & Brewer for Ben Wallace

C.B. Jack provides what may be the most realistic move the Jazz can make:

The Bear
I would like to see the Jazz trade for a younger, smaller, and more agile mascot. I feel like The Bear has done a great job during his tenure with the Jazz, but the team needs to move in a different direction. Back in the Bear's prime, he was doing dazzling stunts at an amazing rate. There were games where he would do the "scoreboard repel" and the "stairway sled" in the same game. He was reckless. He made us hold our breath. He made people who don't swear say "That is one crazy mother #^@*$*!".

He dazzled the crowd during the 1992 All-Star Jam Session and solidified himself as one of the league's elite mascots. Fast forward 16 years. Three knee surgeries, two burst tendons, a hip replacement, and 5 costume changes and all we have is some 50 year old in a 75 year old body who wants to capture our attention with such pranks as "Pull the foam finger and I'll hit you on the head" or "kids shoe toss". While entertaining, I no longer hold my breath. I don't even get the "oh shiz he's coming towards me" butterflies that I used to get when he would come to my section. I'm sure he is getting big bucks and lots of free Papa Murphy's pizza, but it's time to trade The Bears inflated contract for a young, daring, never-had-death-flash-before-his-eyes, mascot.

Thanks for the memories Bear. You won't be forgotten, but if you keep your current act up, you won't be remembered either.

"How many people have to get hurt before we pull the plug on The Bear?"

So My Utah Jazz readers, please leave us a comment and tell us your dream trade...

The Annotated Kwame Brown

Since Kwame Brown has signed with the Pistons, what better time to re-examine his legendary mugshot? I've noted 5 things here, but I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add them in the comments.

Other Places

I did this for Moore. Read it; it's really good. So is the little group of writers he's put together. I'm going to actually have to try to dominate it.

A Guide to Going to Europe

Threatening to go to Europe is the new threatening to move to Canada. Essentially, it’s a meaningless threat on par with a VERY meaningless threat. Nonetheless, as a service to everyone, I’ll show you how you can use the threat of going to Europe in your every day life to get what you want.

-------------

While booking a limousine for a wedding…
Martin: The best we can do for you is $200 an hour for a 14 seat, stretch Escalade.
Frank: I want a 20 seat party bus.
Martin: Well, that’ll be $240 an hour.
Frank: Whatever. I’m going to Europe.
Martin: Fine. How does $140 an hour sound?

While asking for a raise…
Erica: I’ve performed well above my expected level and feel that I should be promoted to the senior level.
Ron: You’re still a little inexperienced.
Erica: Fine. I’ll just go to Europe.
Ron: Alright, senior level, 11% raise, and a company car.

While negotiating an NBA contract...
Chris: Ey yo, uh, we ain’t sure you’re performance last year justifies you’s getting’ a big contrac’.
Andris: I veal go to Yoorope.
Chris: Aight, man, you got me. 6 years, 64 mill?
Andris: Voondarefool.

While listening to 80s rock…
Rico: Dude, Journey OWNS the 80s.
Mick: Yeah, right. I’m going Europe.
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

While seducing your wife…
Todd: Aww, c’mon, honey. It’ll be fun.
Hannah: We are NOT getting a third person.
Todd: Fine. I’m going to Europe.
Tony Parker: You want-a to sex-a my wife?

Found Item: Elton Brand's Honey Do List

It's not uncommon to report to your significant other. I mean, I shaved my beard for that very reason. That being said, this list - given to Elton Brand by his wife, Shahara - illuminates some reasons why Elton Brand had to leave Los Angeles.

4 yrs. of Depression.

Well Hammy, time to start cooking up that turd sandwich.

"If the Jazz match that offer sheet I will personally deliver a
turd sandwich to Kevin O'Conner. " -Hammy

You don't mind if I bring a little camcorder along for YouTube purposes do you?

http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700245985,00.html


I am bitter. I am so fed up with CJ. Just so you know, the Jazz cannot do a sign and trade. He WILL be in a Jazz uniform for at least the first year of the contract. What on earth was K'OC thinking?

Reasons this was a dumb move:

-CJ Miles does not want to be in Utah
-Jerry Sloan does not like the guy.
-I hate the guy.
-Where will the money for Milsap and Brewer come from?
-If Kyle Korver opts to stay the last year of his contract, when will CJ get minutes?

I just don't get it. Please feel free to leave a comment and explain to me why this makes sense. I would love to hear all the CJ Miles homers (BiasedFan) come and support this absurd move.

Score: CJ 15.8M, Jazz Brass 0

I hope CJ's agent just laughs his way to the bank.

Its a Bold New Basketball World

So much for a sign and trade with Atlanta to get Josh Childress, he has signed on with Greek club Olympiakos. Not that the Jazz were giving any signs of making such a deal (thanks for the effort Kevin), it was just a pipe dream that a few of us fans/writters were having. Josh is not a superstar in any definition of the word, but a very nice player that is vital to a club with championship aspirations like our Jazz. He was not going to help a team like Atlanta too much because he can't be your second best player, but with the Jazz he could have been a Tayshawn Prince or Bruce Bowen type of contributor when their teams won the trophy, just what this version of the Jazz are needing.

The first thing to look at in this deal is the money, because the money is what it is always about regardless of what the athlete says. The deal is for 3 years and apparently worth 7 Million per year after taxes and conversion from the Euro to the Dollar. To compete with that an NBA club would have had to come up with a 10-12 Million per year type of deal to come close to the take home pay he is getting. With the salary cap and economic structure of the NBA right now that type of deal is salary cap suicide for a player of his caliber. Basically it would take a 4 year $45 million deal to match it apples to apples. Imagine paying Andrei Kirilenko that much, we would be ready to set fire to Kevin O'Conner. Oh wait, we're paying AK a little more than that right now and we can't stop complaining about it (and AK is a better player that Childress).

The more interesting part of this deal is the possible ramifications that his signing might have on other players of his caliber. For us Jazz fans this means players like Ronnie Brewer, Paul Millsap and Kyle Korver might be getting offers that are too good to pass up and too rich for the Jazz to match. These are players that the Jazz need to keep on board and need to keep developing if they want stay at the top of the pile in the NBA. For a restricted Free Agent like Childress (or Millsap next year and Brewer shortly after that) going to Europe ultimately gets him to un-restricted status quicker while still getting paid. To keep his rights the Hawks would have to make a qualifying offer each year which goes against their cap. I just don't see a team outside of the Knicks that would be willing to eat up a portion of their cap for a player that is 5,000 miles away with no intentions of coming back. Basically the Hawks are screwed on this one and are going to loose Childress for nothing in return. Childress also got an opt out after each year of his deal so as soon as he gets a better offer back home he can take it.

Lets hope this does not become a popular trend for other good, but not great young players or the Jazz could be just as screwed as the Hawks are. Up to this point in the globalization of the NBA it has been the US teams picking off the players from Europe and now we may be seeing the start of an new reality. Fortunately, the Jazz are not run by complete morons like the Hawks and should be able to keep this from happening to us. I think...

Morris, Morris, Morris.....

Is it really that hard for Morris Almond to play a little defense or even pass the ball. That is all Sloan wants to see but for some reason Morris thinks the more he scores the more minutes he will get. If Almond had a brain he would of tried getting assists, steals, and rebounds. He is a black hole and will rarely see the floor this upcoming season. He is soft and is extremely lazy on defense. It really makes you appreciate guys like Harpring.
As far as Fes and Kosta they looked bad. I had high hopes for both of them. Let's be honest Kosta will be lucky to stay in the league for more than a few seasons. and Fes is Fes, happy but doesn't have a clue.
The revue guys looked bad and will not have any impact on the Jazz team at all.
P.S. Did you know Kosta middle name is Ken.

Whistle

Doomsday Scenario #3243875938475

On July 30th, the Cheesecake Factory will be offering every one of their cheesecakes at a discounted price of $1.50 a slice. Sure this seems like a good idea, a nice way to honor their 30 year anniversary. But consider the consequences, I've produced a flow chart for easy viewing.

click for large version

As you can see, virtually every imaginable scenario is perilous. I suggest stocking up on non-perishables, bottled water, and batteries. You have 5 days to prepare for the apocalypse.

Danilo Gallinari

Danilo Gallinari shirts now available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

My Golden Fleece

The reason I joke about foreigners so much is because they're my favorite group of players in the NBA. That being said, this video is pretty much everything that excites me about what might happen in the NBA. Two dudes who might never set foot in the league, but if they did, they'd be two of my favorite players.

The Shart Era is Over!

Not sure if MUJ readers have heard the news but Jason Hart has just been traded to the Clippers for Brevin Knight. 1320 KFAN has just reported the deal and apparently it is a simple one. The Jazz trade Hart straight across for Knight. I am sure more details will be known shortly, in fact, some of you may already know more about the trade than I do.

During the 2007-2008 NBA Season Knight averaged 4.6 ppg and 4.4 assists in 22.6 minutes per game. That's a minor improvement over Hart's 2.9 ppg and 1.5 assists in 10.6 minutes per game.

It certainly isn't the blockbuster move I was hoping for, however, it is a good move for the Jazz. I don't think Knight is going to take Ronnie Price's job away, but it doesn't hurt the Jazz to have a couple of back up point guards fighting for minutes.

Here's to hearing more smart moves from the Jazz Front Office this off-season. I was going to put together a montage of Jason Hart's career in Utah but it ended up being seven minutes of him sitting at the end of the bench. Take care Hart.

Booner

Life Lessons with Brad Miller

One of the NBA's preeminent stoners, Sacramento's Brad Miller, was gracious enough to sit down and give The Blowtorch a series of stories about his life. His life's lessons, if you will. This is the first of those stories:

Run Along

Join a whole bunch of us NBA fellas over at Ball Don't Lie for a MARATHON CHAT. It's for a good cause. And for jokes. Which are also a worthy cause.

Kevin Love

Kevin Love shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

I See Your Shaq/Hakeem Taco Bell Commercial and Raise You One TacoNECK Commercial

Skeets' Taco Bell commercial was fun, but this one is tops. Peep Young Derek Fisher and Eddie Jones.

You're turn, Matt Moore.

Really, Though

If you haven't already, go read Matt's screed on the Cheesecake Factory phenomenon. It's enlightening, especially for the Fanhouse.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects V

Pitchfork Festival edition

• As recently as two years ago, I was devoted to the Pitchfork music festival. I'd be there from the first notes of the first set (Pelican, if I remember right -- terrible) and wouldn't leave until the very last song of the last artist. Things done changed. I was at Union Park for a total of 4 hours on Sunday. Spoon wasn't worth staying for. Ghostface and Rae were dope and King Khan was fantastic. After those two acts, I didn't really care for anyone else there. Sorry, Bon Iver.
• It can only be assumed that the mid-1990s Charlotte Hornets are the hipster choice of NBA team. I counted at least 3 Alonzo Mourning jerseys, 2 Larry Johnsons, and 1 Muggsy Bogues.



• About that King Khan set; Fiancee and I showed up about halfway through and were blown away. Not only did it sound awesome but the stage show was hilarious. Headdresses, capes, and a cheerleader. But really, isn't Khan just a much more talented Har Mar Superstar? Is there any chance he can keep up what little success he's had without turning in to a total joke? Enjoy it while it lasts.
  
• I'm a well-dressed fellow. This is a certainty. However, I'm also not above taking chances stylistically and I definitely don't frown upon people doing their own thing. All that being said, there was a gluttony of terrible, TERRIBLE fashion choices this weekend. There is a very distinct reason that deep v-necks and short jogging shorts went out of style. No one wants to see that much skin on a man. Ever. And while it's pretty played out to say "all these people want to be individuals but they dress the same," it's also painfully true.
  
• The Animal Collective set was perfect for a last set in the dark. Their ambient stuff is way better live than on record.
  
• I met Jeff Weiss and he was the most earnest and genuinely happy blogger I've met. And aside from the wristband, the least affected. Good people. Also, no homo.
  
• I wonder if when Ghost and Rae joined Wu-Tang they ever thought they'd be performing to 10,000 sweaty, white kids who know all the words to all their songs? That can't have been part of RZA's plan.
  
• If you're a musician playing at Pitchfork, it's probably pretty easy to walk around and see some other bands since there's at least 25 people who look exactly like you.
• Raekwon HAS to be related to Kirby Puckett.
• Number one most punchable at the festival: Tom Breihan

C-YA CJ & D-Will is Locked Up (kind of...)

CB Jacks biggest dream is coming true, CJ Miles is leaving town and dude is going to get paid too. Apparently the ownership of the newly created Oklahoma City Scam Jobbers team think CJ is worth 15 million over 4 years. If the Jazz match that offer sheet I will personally deliver a turd sandwich to Kevin O'Conner. I think at best with CJ you are getting a 15 minute per night player who averages 7 points per game and might go off for 25 points every now again. When it is all said and done I am so happy that pin-heads running the players formerly know as the Sonice are making the CJ issue go away. I just don't understand how a career 42% shooter with a scoring average of 4 points per game is worth 15 million dollars. Most NBA GM's are just plain dumb. I am going to miss the pre-game handshakes though.

Moving onto the bigger and better story of the day, our boy D-Will is locked up for 4 more years. This is very good news for the Jazz and possibly even better news for Jazz fans. I personally think that D-Will made the smart move for him and for us as fans by taking the 3 years with an option. By signing this deal he will force the Jazz brass to stay competive and keep improving the team or their golden boy is going to bail. It may even make them think twice about going into luxury tax land if means getting the right player to put the team over the top.

I heard David Locke of KFAN 1320 bring up another good point about this contract that I think is a very important one. When this contract is up Deron will be 28 years old and assuming the CBA stays the same can then can sign another deal for 6 years at that point taking him to 34 years old. On that last contract he would be making potentially 30 million per year in the last 2 years of the deal as a 33 and 34 year. If he would have signed for 5 years today he would be getting that 24 - 30 million as a 35 and 36 year old and history has shown that point guards start to get dramatically worse after turning 34. Want some recent proof? Jason Kidd was 34 last year and most of his major stats went down, would you want to be paying him 21 million next year? Gary Payton turned 34 or 35 when he joined the Lakers and his points per game went from 20 the year prior and then to 15 with Lakers and then to 11 and then to 7 and then to 5. The point is point guards don't age well after they get past that 33-34 year old stage and if you are paying that point guard 30 million you have seriously handicapped your team.

P.S. - I was going to write something about game 1 of the Rocky Mountain Revue but apparently the piss poor play against the Spurs carries over for our Review team as well. Good effort boys and thanks for keeping the tradition of getting your heads kicked in by the Spurs alive.

A Fable

Once upon a time, a man decided to perform an experiment. Not your typical scientific experiment, per se, but rather a social experiment.

This man, though not a scientist, sought to assemble a collection of humans. Humans from every walk of life. Humans, mind you, that are rarely seen together. Humans that rattle to the depths of one's soul. Yes, this man - a man of glorious wealth - travelled far and wide, searching for the oddities that had been cast aside by cultures across the globe. Cultures that couldn't see them for their inherent wealth. Cultures that not only exile the unusual but that also invalidate the worth of these people.

Over time, the man collected these humans, but that was only part of the plan. Simply gathering was not enough; these treasures must be displayed, he thought. Seeking a stage for his band of oddities, the man settled on Puerto Rico. From there, it was time to unleash his cadre of outcasts upon the world, to show the world what they were missing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the Puerto Rican national basketball team.

Joe Alexander Attends a Screening of The Dark Knight

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET TO SEE THIS MOVIE EARLY! IT'S GOING TO BE OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Joe's friend: Sssssshhhhh.

YOU JERKS! YOU KNOW I'M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! I HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID VOLUME-CONTROLLED VOICES!

Joe's friend: Easy, Joe.

SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE UP, CHAS! LET'S WATCH THE MOVIE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HEATH LEDGER'S LAST MOVIE?! HE'S TERRIFYING IN THIS! DON'T GO IN THERE, BATMAN! DON'T DO IT!

Joe's friend: You can't say things like that, Joe.

I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT CHAS! THIS IS AMERICA! IF I WANT TO TELL A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT HE SHOULD BE WARY OF CHASING A MANIAC NAMED THE JOKER THAN I WILL TELL HIM THAT! YOUR MOTHER WEARS COMBAT BOOTS!

Joe's friend: Excuse me?

I SAID THAT I LIKE BATMAN'S BOOTS, YOU JUICEBAG!

Joe's friend: Did you just call me a juicebag? I don't even know what that means.

THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH! YOU SERIOUSLY ARE A JUICEBAG THOUGH! TOTAL JUICEBAG!

THIS MOVIE IS SO GREAT! WE'RE LUCKY NO ONE WAS HERE TO RUIN IT!

OJ Mayo

OJ Mayo shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell. We're going in draft order. Every first round pick will get their own shirt, plus one at the end with all of them together. Email me for special requests.

Sign Him Already!

If you are like me, you've been clicking on espn.com, cnnsi.com, utahjazz.com, etc. every two minutes waiting for that "Breaking News: Jazz sign Deron Williams." But still, nothing. It took the Hornets 15 minutes to ink CP3 up, what are we doing? I am about as impatient as they get but this is ridiculous. My biggest fear is that he is going to head out to the Olympics and we still won't have a deal.

Does anyone have any insight here? I've searched Insider Reports, listened to Sports Radio 24/7 as well as tapped phone lines and still can't get a freaking bone here.
Enough with the Rocky Mountain Revue, tell me what the deal is with Priority #1. Yes, I am excited about the Review, but honestly, what are Jazz fans more excited about, the Jazz beating the Iranian National Team or the Jazz signing D-Will.

Oh, and on an unrelated note, you know damn well Ronnie Brewer and Ronnie Price told Fez it's still cool to bleach your hair. In fact, I tapped that phone conversation:

Brewer: Fez, you oughta bleach your hair mane?

Fez: No, that maybe cool in 90's.

Price: What? No, it's still hot man.

Fez: You sure? I don't see American do bleach no more really.

Price/Brewer: Trust us on this one. It's still cool.

Fez: Well, if you say cool it is. I bleach.

Nice work Fez.

Anyhow, on to the real reason I was writing. Let's wrap this up already Jazz. Don't try to play hard-ball, just make it happen and make it happen quick. Contrary to what a lot of you Jason Hart fans think, D-Will is the key to the teams success for years to come so it's time to seal the deal.

Booner

Investigating Kobe Bryant's Sheath Logo

There's an old saying, "If you win the MVP, people will make a ton of shoes about it." It's not a particularly good saying, but I think it fits. Since the season got over, there have been a ridiculous amount of Kobe Bryant shoes, shirts, and baked goods made available that celebrate his first MVP. This does not trouble me. Kobe is a marketable athlete who is becoming less and less unlikeable by the year. Get money and all that.

What troubles me is his logo.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why Kobe has this logo. First of all, it sucks. You can't look at that and discern for any reason why that might be Kobe Bryant's logo. It kinda looks like a T, but I'm guessing it's not in honor of the last letter of his last name. It's the wackness.

Possibly even more infuriating than a purely non-sensical logo is that it is supposedly a sheath. Assuming that this would be a sheath that covers a sword of some sort, more questions are raised. Why does Kobe get a sheath? He's not a trained swordsman, he was raised in Italy, and there is no conceivable scenario that incorporates Kobe Bryant listening to the Wu-Tang Clan. Admittedly, if Kobe were a Wu-Tang fan he'd be a GZA guy, but that's beside the point -- Kobe Bryant would not listen to Wu-Tang.

I've gone astray. Back to the lecture at hand.

Kobe is not a samurai sword kind of guy. He's not any sort of guy except a basketball guy, really. It's known that Kobe is obsessed with his sport, so trying to relate him to other areas rings false to me. Ergo, I do not like his logo.

However, if you flip his logo over, I think the logo makes a bit more sense.

You see, Kobe's a dick.

Michael Beasley

Shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Found Item: Elton Brand's Shopping List

Based on this document, found in a garbage can outside a Los Angeles area Whole Foods nearly 2 weeks ago, we should have known Elton Brand was going to Philadelphia. Seriously, batteries?

Derrick Rose

Shirts in progress...

UPDATE: Derrick Rose shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP. There's going to be an accompanying shirt for every first-rounder. Buy them all.

In Progress

I'm working on something for HP right now. While I jot, ponder this:

Which shoe is worse?

The worst Jordan ever created.

OR

The ugliest Arenas' ever designed.

Choose wisely.

How I Bankrupted Steve and Barry's

Remember this?

I'm not taking full responsibility for Steve and Barry's filing for bankruptcy, but I'll take a lot of the credit. Call it even, Steph.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects IV

• The only thing worse than t-shirts under jerseys are jersey t-shirts. Just by a real jersey, man.
  
  
• I really don't like the implied martyrdom in the Elton Brand situation. People (including Brand himself) were talking about how he and Baron would have been two superstars finally getting their chance at a ring. Clearly this is all because of Boston last year, but it's ridiculous. Neither Brand nor Davis has been in the league long enough to be considered long-suffering. Neither Brand nor Davis has ever seemed particularly concerned with dying to win a championship. Neither Brand nor Davis have ever been big winners. These are just two pretty good players who could have played together. They aren't legendary players whose careers won't be complete without a championship. I blame this on Ray Allen.
  
  
• I'm hoping Matt was referring to the playoffs when he said adding Josh Smith could make the Clippers contenders. That team is LIGHT YEARS away from competing for a championship. And probably quite a bit away from even winning a playoff series. Even with Smith helping to erase mistakes, their defense is going to be horrid.
  
  
• Know this: Brandon Jennings WILL become a patron saint of FreeDarko.
  
  
• Shanoff's suggestion/recommendation/whatever that Jennings spend his year off developing an intense training regimen is laughable for so many reasons. Shall we investigate why? Yes, we shall:
  
  a) Taking a year away from competive basketball is a bad idea. How then, will NBA scouts really know how to compare you? Even random European guys have footage of them playing other humans.
  b) Since Jennings and his staff would have to develop this regimen, it'll obviously be new. Why would an NBA team respect something that doesn't have a legacy behind it?
  c) No shoe company will give a player an endorsement deal if no one can see them play.
  d) Jennings wouldn't be able to play against elite competition since all the elite competition would be in season. Therefore, he's going to go A WHOLE YEAR without playing against anybody that'll really help him grow as a player.
  e) For how character-concerned NBA teams are, will a team look favorably on a guy who takes a year off from playing against elite players?
  
  Other than that, it's a great idea.
  
  
• I made this comparison in FanHouse's liveblog today, but it needs to be seen again: Eric Gordon could end up like Fat Glen Rice, from his Lakers years. In fact, his ceiling is probably Glen Rice's best years.
  
  
• I think this is abundantly obvious, but Beasley's new tattoos aren't a sign of Nationals fandom. They're a shout-out to his hometown. I've considered getting the Phillies P (which was my high school baseball team's logo) on my arm and I'm anti-Phillies. Same thing. Minus the millions of dollars, of course.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Music Releases

Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer

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Beck - Modern Guilt

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Nas - Untitled

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Weezer - Weezer (The Red Album)

So Much for Our Maggette Hopes

It looks like the Jazz will be 0-2 in their attempts to land Free Agent Corey Maggette. Not that every Jazz fan thought Maggette was the best move, nor did Jazz brass want him more than any other F.A. out there. However, I'm still bitter because my hopes of landing Maggette just went down the drain. According to ESPN Maggette looks to be signing with Golden State.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3479117

So what is next? Does anyone know? Are we even going to make an attempt to land a "Big-Name" F.A.? Do we need to? From a personal stand-point, I love the drama and the excitement of Free Agency. I love to read the rumors and speculate what we may or may not do. That is one of the only things that gets me through the off-season. And now with the Bachelorette being over, without any big moves, this off-season could be a huge let-down. Oh well, if not making any moves is the right move for the Jazz, I can live with that. I'm just going to be really bored for a couple months.

Booner

P.S. For those readers who just unsubscribed from our blog because I said I watch the Bachelorette, NO, I do not watch the Bachelorette. However, I am officially hooked to "Wipe-Out" on ABC. Nothing better than watching grown men and women completely humiliate/inflict pain upon themselves via asinine obstacle courses.

P.S.S. For those MUJ readers who do watch the Bachelorette, don't leave because I offended you in my "P.S." above. MUJ writer "Whistle" writes a daily Bachelor/Bachelorette Blog at http://www.justtellyourfriendsyourwifemakesyouwatchit.com/

Go Jazz!

Derrick Rose Wears a T-Shirt

I was chatting with Skeets yesterday when he casually dropped a bombshell:

Rose has done nada.
And more alarmingly -- he's playing in an undershirt.
Who does he think he is? Me!?!?!

Clearly this is cause for concern.

Only in summer leagues are players allowed to wear a full-sleeved t-shirt under their jerseys. Yeah, you’ll see quite a few Under Armor types of base layers during the regular season, but they’re otherwise forbidden. This is right and just. Full sleeves should be left to college guys and rec leagues.

As a devotee to the triviality of on-court style, I will not budge on this. You’re in the NBA, look like a basketball player and not some hopper on The Wire.

However, I suppose there may be some decent reasons for wearing an undershirt. Being fair, I’ve provided a few of those reasons:

- Shoulders were removed following a tragic half-pipe bicycle accident.
- You have shoulders, but you’re thin, man. Real thin.
- Increased resistance results in more speed when the shirt is removed.
- Grotesque burns on upper arms.
- Embarrassing tattoo of the lyrics to LFO’s hit “Summer Girls.”
- Typical men’s league jersey has extremely wide neck which causes the jersey to slip off your shoulders.
- To hide an abysmally small frame.
- To prevent chafing.
- You were the fat kid in grade school and have always worn a t-shirt during athletic activities, especially swimming.
- To protect other players from your small, dagger-like nipples.
- Obscene amounts of chest hair.
- You went to college with me, and also thought it was hilarious to have a guy on your NCAA March Madness 2005 team called "The Shirt."
- Played for a handful of Illinois high schools which have jerseys with sleeves and are therefore more comfortable in sleeves.
- Effectively hides the joints from your robotic arm implants.
- Rebellion against the tyranny of the NBA dress code.
- You’re my fiancée and you get cold easily, even when it isn’t actually cold. For instance, at a Borders.
- Suffer from night terrors where you show up to important events naked, therefore the more clothes, the better.
- You’re a never-nude and always wear a t-shirt..
- Have always dreamt of having wings.
- You’re J.E. Skeets.

Though I’m pretty sure I covered every possible scenario where a sleeved t-shirt is acceptable in the NBA, feel free to add some more in the comments.

Gracias, Matt y Skeets.

CB Jack on 1320 KFAN - Locked on Sports TODAY @ 4:00 pm MST

True Blue unite...

My Utah Jazz has been asked to be on Locked on Sports again today!

Tune in Monday (Today) at 4:00 pm MST. Feel free to listen live here.

Thanks to David and Kevin for making it happen. Please let us know what you agree and don't agree with. We want to represent Jazz nation and can only do that with your help. Of course, if your opinion isn't the same as ours, we probably won't address it. But aside from that, let the feedback begin!

http://www.thefansports.com/

It's Hard Out Here for Pau Gasol

Sergio Ramos, Fernando Torres, and Rafael Nadal sit jubilantly around a table. A single chair is unoccupied.

Ramos: Veectree es muy bueno. I berry much like weening.

Nadal: Si, si. Sank you so berry much for invitings me aqui. El weeners table!

Torres: De nada, de nada. Rafa, you are true Spanish hero. Te amo.

Nadal: Gracias, Fernando y Sergio. Es un great honor to be here. Now, we discuss hair y headbands, yes?

Torres: Si!

Ramos: Si!

A door creaks open, a haggard and heavily bearded Pau Gasol enters the room and colapses in the vacant chair.

Gasol: Hola, senores.

Nadal: Que? What es Wizard Claws doing here?

Ramos: No sabe. Es no offen we ween, Rafa. Maybe Pau Gasol es confused.

Gasol: Senores, I am berry sorry. I do no mean interrup, but I halve no eat sense Juno. Good people of Espana, haf not been awhaleabull for me to halve food. Zo I halve no ween champonship, yo tengo mucho hambre.

Torres: Ohh, pobrecito. Pau Pau cannot halve food because Pau Pau cannot halve champeenship. falls to the ground, fake cries.

Nadal: Pobrecito!

Ramos: falls to the ground, fake cries.

Gasol: Senores, por favor. I halve not money for eeben una headband.

Nadal: No money por una headband?! Es un tragedy, si.

Ramos: Los Champions para Espana must remedy. Los Champions para Espana wheel remedy. Barkeep, por favor, bring thees bearded creature you finest sangria y headband.

Juan Carlos Navarro walks slowly to the table, hands Pau Gasol a glass of sangria, removes his headband and places it around Gasol’s mangled hair.

Navarro: Please, Pau, treat this well…and remember 2006. No one else will.

To be continued….

The Sonics Are Dead, Long Live the Sonics

The Post Draft Offseason Plan

Its time to get into the trade phase for the Jazz because I can't imagine that they would try and sign any free agents this year and I think there are two intriguing trades sitting right in front of our faces.

First Trade - why not work out a sign and trade with the Clippers for Maggette? Have the Clips sign Maggette to a 4 or 5 year deal worth about 9 million per year (which would be about 3 or 4 million more per year than any other team besides Philly, Memphis and Golden State could offer him as a free agent) and send AK packing. We would have to take back Tim Thomas in the deal, but he is only on the hook for 2 more years at about 6 million per instead of the 3 years at 17 million per that we owe AK. So after two years the Jazz would net 7 million in salary to give to Deron and Milsap.

If this was the only move the Jazz made you would see the most dynamic, powerful offensive team in the last 15 years of the NBA. Three legitimate 20 point scorers, two guys who can create their own shots and get to the line at will and think of how many open 3's Memo would get because teams would have to guard Maggette unlike AK. I don't know how good Maggette's D is, but could the Jazz really get worse there? Besides, it is the interior D that is the big problem for the Jazz and Maggette would be guarding swing guys. There is also the real possibility that Boozer is going to bolt after next year and Maggette could help fill the scoring void that would be created if that happens allowing the Jazz to go and find a stud low post defender and not worry so much about the offensive output from that position.

Second Trade - moving onto the great big gorilla in the room. I think that the Jazz need to seriously consider trading Boozer at this point if they even remotely think that he could bail on them after next year. They could get a kings ransom for him right now and set the team up to peak with a solid core during D-Wills prime. I would love to see the Jazz keep Boozer and Deron together, but Carlos has a shady past and Karma has a way of getting back to you so get out while you can if you start seeing any bad mojo coming our way. I would try talking with the Bobcats for a sign a trade with Emeka Okafor and put a serious upgrade on the low post defense.

Imagine going forward with D-Will, Brewer, Maggette, Okafor, Okur, Milsap and Korver. I think that we would get at least one good big man from the Fesenko/Kofus combo and another good scorer off the bench from the Almond/Miles combo as well. That would give the Jazz a solid 9 man rotation for years to come.

Some other trade chips that the Jazz could put into play would be the Knicks pick next year, and both Jaron Collins and Jason Shart have expiring contracts that other teams would like to get ahold of. It would be a pretty major change up if the Jazz could pull off those two trades, but I feel that the Jazz would be a more complete team long term if they could pull it off.

Eric Gordon and Baron Davis Wear Fat Pants

Phone rings

Pete Serrano, equipment manager: Hello.

Elgin Baylor: Hey, Pete. It’s Elgin.

PS: Not too bad. Just finished up that knee sleeve that’ll cover Shaun’s scars. Those things are gross.

EB: Oh, excellent. That’ll help keep the fans in the seats. Anything we can do to not terribly horrify the fans is a win in my book. And we need wins, am I right?!

PS: We do need wins, that’s for sure. Anyway, what’s up?

EB: Well, we just drafted Eric Gordon. We’re going to need some massive shorts.

PS: Are you serious? Eric Gordon from Indiana?

EB: Yeah, that’s him.

PS: Geez, Elgin. I don’t know where I’m going to find shorts that big. I mean, yeah, you can find some big shorts, but they’ll come down to his ankles. I guess I can see if the Bulls still have the pattern to Khalid El-Amin’s shorts, but that’s going to be a shot in the dark.

EB: I would have suggested Priest Lauderdale, but you’d get the A-line skirt thing going on.

PS: How do you know about A-line skirts?

EB: Project Runway.

PS: Ooooh, great show. So, anything else I can do for you?

EB: Yeah, there’s one more thing. We just signed Baron Davis. He’ll need some big shorts too.

PS: You’re killing me!

EB: Hey, Donald’s actually spending. I’m not passing that up.

PS: You’re right. But this is going to kill our fabric budget. NBA mesh goes for 75 bucks a yard. Between Gordon and Baron, that’ll be, like, 900 dollars.

EB: Luckily Shaun’s really skinny. Just don’t skimp on Kaman’s shorts. That’s just wrong to even think about.

PS: Yeah, that makes my man parts hurt picturing it.

EB: …

PS: …so, um, I’ll get to work on those fat shorts.

EB: Thanks, Pete.

click

Brook Lopez Prepares for His First Press Conference

GOSH, guys. I don't WANNA do a press conference!

Can't I just stay home and play Wii? I never get to play Wii anymore. Ever since I got here it's been basketball, basketball, BASKETBALL. What do I have to do to get some alone time with New York Minute? That movie's AMAZING.

Seriously, what am I supposed to say at this dumb thing? I can't say I'm glad to be in New Jersey. It's frickin' NEW JERSEY. No one wants to come here. I can't say I'm excited to play for Frank Lawrence. I don't even remember what he looks like. UGH.

I miss Robin. He's probably running through sprinklers AGAIN. He has all the fun in Phoenix. He says they even let him use Funoodles in the team pool. Vince won't even let me read him my poems. It's so BORING here.

I need a nap.