Take the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge!

Here's another Media Day delight. Erik Spoelstra, the new Heat coach, was photographed by himself. Ergo, THE ERIK SPOELSTRA GREEN SCREEN CHALLENGE!

Here's a template:

And here are my submissions.

"Conscience"

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"The Temp"

Send your submissions to theblowtorch AT gmail. Best one wins a case of fine linens.

Marc Stein is a MORON!!

So Marc Stein of ESPN.com released his first power rankings of the new season and I have a few things to say about it. I understand that he says this is not a predicted order of finish, but rather an outlook of the season heading into camp. Whatever, you still suck Stein.

1 - I am okay with his top 2 teams. Boston has to be first and the Lakers have to be second, done and done.

It goes down hill from there for Mr. Stein.

2 - New Orleans comes in at #3. Enough with the Chris Paul love affair already. Did he somehow accidentally walk into a full blown orgy that all of the media people were having and is now black-mailing all of them with the pictures? We get it, he's good, but answer me this - Who was the better player for team USA, Chris Paul or Deron Williams? Even the most biased Chris Paul homer has to admit that those two played to a dead draw in the Olympics. Is there any real difference between the Jazz and Hornets? The way I see it, these two teams are pretty dead even.

3 - Houston at #4. How many times does Tracy McGrady have to get beaten in the first round of the playoffs before the media wises up and stops picking them? Apparently the answer is at least one more time.

4 - Next come the Spurs at #5, Cavs at #6 and Pistons at #7. Maybe its okay to put the Spurs here because they have proven over time that they are capable of winning in the post season. (Which is the exact opposite of the Rockets and how they got their ranking by the way.) Cavs are once again a one trick pony and the Pistons have been paper tigers for the last 4 years.

5 - The Sixers are in at #8. This is where Marc Stein must have started feeling the effects of that late night in New Orleans buying drinks for Chris Paul. He put the effing 76ers ahead of the Jazz. Elton Brand has done absolutely nothing in his career. Elton Brand and Tracy McGrady are the two players with the most talent, but least to show for it in the league. The Sixers are going to be better for sure, but there is no way they have a better outlook for the season than the Jazz (See # 6 for proof).

6 - Finally we see the Jazz come in at #9. I am keeping in mind that Stein's rankings are supposedly reflective of what the teams did during the off season and their outlook for the 08-09 season ahead so with that being said these are some of the hi-lights for the Jazz this summer:

• Boozer and Williams play for team USA and were the only teammates to do so.
• Deron Williams signs his extension and officially takes over the keys of the team
• AK keeps his mouth shut and also gets good practice in during the Olympics
• Memo gets healthy healing his bad back and left foot
• Ron Brewer gets a year better and spends 3 hours per day in the gym working on his jumper
• Jason Shart is sent packing back to LA for Brevin Knight who is just happy to be here

Just because the Jazz did not sign a drug-addict or a crazy guy during the off season does not mean they had a bad one. Everything the Jazz did was positive for the upcoming year. There is no animosity on this team right now, everyone is healthy and happy to be together. You can reasonably expect that except for Harpring, Collins and Brevin Knight all of the Jazz players will be better than they were last year due to being a year better not a year older. The main core of players are all under 30 and still in the prime of their careers. Give me one negative thing that happened to the Jazz over the summer that will impact this coming year? Even the dumb-ass signing of CJ Miles does not impact them negatively this year. This was the most boring summer ever to be a Jazz fan and that has to be a good thing.

As for the rest of the rankings, the Nuggets were in at 18 and that seems about right. I really did not care to see how the rest of them shook out after realizing that Marc Stein is a MORON!

1000 Words: Bill Baptist Hates the New Orleans Hornets

The NBA's Media Day is one of my favorite off-season happenings in this beautiful league. Not only do you get unwarranted optimism and occasional lunacy, you also get some of the most hilarious pictures ever. These are the sort of pictures that last a lifetime; that bloggers will post and re-post, just because their absurdity is unbelievable.

Fortunately for us bloggers, Getty photographer Bill Baptist holds some kind of grudge against the New Orleans Hornets. Maybe he's a big Deron Williams fan. Maybe he used to live in Charlotte and can't stand the sight of the Fleur-De-Bee. Maybe he doesn't like the new uniforms just as much as I don't. Whatever it is, the pictures that the Hornets had taken are amazing.

The following vignette showcases what must be Baptist's signature pose -- the Basketball Shoulders. Surely these are some of the most ridiculous images to be captured on film. The Blowtorch salutes you, Bill Baptist. Well done.

Denver > SLC? Depends who you ask.

Once again I post in an effort to keep the healthy rivalry we have with the NuggDoctor and Denver McNuggets fans in general alive. The season opener is October 29th when our Utah Jazz will play host to the Carmelo Anthony-less Denver Nuggets. One of the NuggDoctors readers (The persons name is Kayce so it seems to be more of a female spelling to me) decided to post his/her thoughts on how The SLC has an inferiority complex to Denver. I can't resist. Let's discuss each claim and then follow it with a fact.


Claim #1: Denver fans claim they would rather have this guy

and this guy

and this guy

playing for them rather than AK and Korver.

Domestic Assault + DUI + Violating the NBA drug policy = Your Denver Nuggets

Fact: Jazz players are far better people than any of the Denver Nuggets. Here's proof.

Kirilenko's Kids

Korver in Africa

Deron allowing Doug Collins to wear his Gold Medal as a tribute to the 1972 medal boycott

Freebie from wife + Ashton look-a-like + 2 Gold Medal winners = Your Classy Utah Jazz


Claim #2. Denver fans think they have a better skyline than Salt Lake City.

Denver

Fact: This is true. And with that skyline comes a higher crime rate, increased reports of STD's, and more pollution. You can keep your superior skyline.

Salt Lake City

Claim #3. McNugget fans believe that 2 Nuggets fans can come into the ESA and cheer louder than all the Jazz fans combined. Those Denver fans know how to support their team.

Fact: This was when I realized that Denver fans have too much beer at their fingertips. Do a simple Google search of "loudest NBA arena". This is the first result to populate.

And here is another random post from a group of NBA fans talking about the loudest arena in the NBA. I don't exactly see The Pepsi Center in any of those lists.

Note from the Blogger:
Personal Experience: January 2007 my wife and I made a trip to Denver to watch the Jazz play the McNuggets.

I can tell you first hand, the Pepsi Center crowd was too drunk to realize a basketball game was going on. Although we were impressed at the number of fans who adorned themselves in Nugget blue. That was impressive. However as the Jazz took a 20+ point lead in the game, the crowd was more interested in frat boy drinking games and playing "What Nugget dancer has carried the most STD's at one time". Exciting games for fans to play, but overall it was a less than exciting arena. We didn't even get heckled for being decked out in Jazz gear. Maybe our Jazz attire needed to be written in Spanish for anyone to read it.

Claim #4: Denver is a superior sports city.

Fact: This too is true. Denver has NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA and these guys.


Claim #5: Utah mountains are inferior to Colorado mountains.

Fact: 2002 Olympic Winter Games. Greatest Snow on Earth. Brigham Young passed through Denver without saying "This is the place".

So there you go. Perhaps we're a little biased (we certainly don't think so). We'll leave it up to you to decide which city you'd rather call home. But remember, if you live in Denver you're more likely to be hit by a drunk driver. You're also more likely to be standing in line at a horrible airport. You're also more likely to be mugged, raped, get addicted to meth and find yourself living on moldy Big Mac buns from a McDonald's dumpster. I'm just sayin'.

Go Jazz!
Go Salt Lake City!

The Raptors Model Their New Jerseys

Jose Calderon: Hello! My name is Jose. I like to wear jerseys. Today, I have an American friend in the studio with me. I met him at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? Okay, his name is Chris Bosh and he's ever so friendly.

Chris Bosh: Yo, how you doin'?

JC: My dad works for a big Spanish company and might be getting into business with his dad.

CB: My old man's in construction.

JC: Vinnie, didn't you think that our new jerseys are ever so fun?

CB: They don't suck.

JC: I love our new jerseys. I want to wear they all day long.

Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don't look.

CB: HEY! Were you lookin' at my booty? Don't look at my booty! Booty-looker!

[To Jose]

They was lookin' at my booty!

JC: Don't let 'em. Don't let 'em. Don't.

CB: Speakin' of booties, I just made a fart.

JC: I thought it just got warmer in here. Cheeky monkey!

My daddy says that Americans and Spanish people are seperated by a disagreement on facial hair.

CB: All's I know is that my dad could take your dad.

JC: That's probably true because, sadly, my dad doesn't carry firearms. Did it just get warmer in here again?

CB: Maybe.

JC: Cheeky monkey!

Monta Ellis Crashes His Moped

I am SO EXCITED to be SHOPPING today! What a FABOULOUS day for SHOPPING and my Vespa. I just love Vessy. She's my baby.

First things first, I MUST have that new blazer from Louis. Oh, that blazer is to die for. I saw Kanye wearing it and knew I HAD to get it. That Kanye, so fierce!

Well, now that I've got my GORGEOUS blazer, I guess I'll need to pair it with some trousers. I haven't seen ANY good trousers lately. UGH, this selection is dismal. I better head to Gucci. They're trousers look AMAZING on me.

(places Louis Vuitton blazer on back of Vespa)

Oh my word! I've never seen so many interesting pants! I need these in my life. All of these. Give me EVERY pair! Every one! Loves it!

OK. Blazer? Check. Pants? Check, check, check! What a great pants find. My goodness. Still need shirts, ties, and shoes though. I've got to look SPECTACULAR this season. To Burberry!

(places three pairs of pants on back of Vespa)

Burberry, you never disappoint me. Never. Looks like Montigallo is going to be spending a little bit of money here today! I'll take the gingham, tartan, light stripe, heavy stripe, grey banker, and that beautiful little King George plaid. Those are AMAZING. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Baron is going to be sorry he left.

AND HOW CAN I PASS UP THIS CROPPED TRENCH? Too hott!

(places 6 shirts and trenchcoat on back of Vespa and leaves for Prada, the Vespa wobbles)

Last but certainly not least, SHOES! Monta loves him some shoes. I've seen those new Prada driving mocs and they are out of this world. If they have my size, I'm getting them in every color. It's so good to have money!

Lemme see. Dark chocolate, camel, BLUE SUEDE!, these are FANTASTIC. And those light brown Chelsea boots? Yes, please! Oh, Monta, you're going to look phenomenal.

(places 4 pairs of shoes on back of Vespa, the Vespa sways back and forth as Monta leaves for home)

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A PINKBERRY HERE? LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT!!!!!

(Monta purchases a large Pinkberry frozen yogurt and hops on his off-balance Vespa)

This yogurt is SO GOOD. I cannot believe this was made by humans. AMAZING.

(the Vespa swerves back and forth while Monta eats his yogurt)

Whew, Monta. Gotta take it slooooow and enjoy this yogurt. I could die now and be happy. Pinkberry, I love you.

(as the Vespa slows, it finally loses balance destroying Monta's ankle while his Pinkberry ruins the majority of his new clothing)

Oh, no. MY PINKBERRY!

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The Orlando Magic New Uniforms Edition

The Magic have new jerseys this year, as they seem to do every 3 years or so. One of their promotional pictures is shown below. My thoughts follow.

From left to right:

• Jersey basketballs rank near jersey t-shirts on the level of horrible NBA branded merchandise.
• Is this the first time Bo Outlaw has ever smiled?
• The starry Magic jerseys of yore are among the worst jerseys in the past 10 years. Also included are the yellow, pin-striped Pacers jerseys, the pin-striped Rockets jerseys, the red Nets alternates, the gold Kings alternates, the silver Mavericks alternates, and the wide-shouldered black Bulls alternates.
• The new Magic jerseys are pretty nice. While I'm not a fan of that color of blue (too blase), it's a solid colorway. The only real problem I have with the jersey is that the pin-stripes fan out near the top. That's pointless.
• Rashard Lewis has the clap.
• WE FOUND NICK ANDERSON! HE'S BEEN AT MONGOLIAN BARBEQUE THIS WHOLE TIME!
• Seriously, who switched Nick Anderson with Chuck Person?
• The black, pin-striped Magic jerseys are the best they've ever had. It's a known fact that I am in the bag for Penny's shoes, but those jerseys are great too.

Gilbert Arenas's Engagement Story

When Gilbert got engaged, he was a little nervous. Sure, he knew Laura would say yes, but he'd never asked anyone to marry him before. He'd spent quite a bit of money on his lady's ring, and wanted her to like it. No, he wanted her to love it.

Laura had been pestering him for months to take her to the local state park. However, their schedules hadn't been able to find them any sort of time to get out to the park. Knee surgery is time-consuming! Finally, Gil took Laura to the park.

As Gil and Laura walked throughout the park, Gil made sure to keep the ring hidden. He'd keep his hand in his pocket or try to keep Laura on the opposide side of the ring box. Thankfully, a chill was in the air, so this wasn't a particularly unusual behavior.

When Gil and Laura finally made their way to Lover's Leap, Gil knew it was time. Surprisingly, most of the other patrons passed by, leaving Gil and Laura alone on a bench. While Gil and Laura sat side-by-side, Gil dropped to a knee, opened his ring box, and said, "Laura, I love you, will you marry me?"

"SHUT UP!" Laura replied, "Are you serious?"

"Uhhh...yeah. This is your ring," Gil stammered.

"Well, DUH I'll marry you!" Laura exclaimed.

Laura and Gil then kissed. Though it wasn't the smoothest transaction, Gil knew that Laura was exactly what he wanted, someone just as silly as him.

Salim Stoudamire's First Press Conference

Hi, guys. As you probably already know, I've been acquired by the Spurs. I just wanted to take my time to introduce myself to the people of San Antonio and my teammates.

The first thing I want to say is, I'm open. All the time. I'm open right now, in fact. Even though sometimes it might look like I'm guarded, trust me -- I'm open.

I don't know how it always happens, but for whatever reason, I'm always open. I wake up in the morning -- open. I get up in the middle of the night to pee -- open. I'm driving down the block with my Low End Theory tape in -- open. So basically, just get me the rock.

This brings me to my second point. My shooting range is unfathomable. Whenever I touch the ball, the shot is something I'm comfortable with. For instance, one time at Atlanta last year, I was on the bench, but we were shooting at the other basket. A ball got tipped out of bounds and I caught it. Even though I was on the bench, on the other side of the floor, I could have hit that shot. Of course, I was open.

Remember those shirts in the Eastbay catalogs from like 10 years ago? The ones that said something like "my range starts when I enter the gym" or something like that? I bought every single one of those shirts in both colors. You know why? Because it's true. Kind of. My range starts when I see a basketball hoop anywhere. That's my shot. No worries.

In closing, I'd like to thank the people of San Antonio for welcoming me to your fine state. I'd also like to remind you that I'm open.

Thank you.

I present to you...your Denver Thuggetts!

Our thuggish ruggish friends at the Nugg Doctor put together a nice little clip of our handsome boys Kyle and Andrei. Considering the fact that High School Musical 3 was filmed about 5 minutes away from both of their houses, this is probably a little more real than the Nugg Doctor realized. Also, don't forget that Andrei does get one "free pass" from Masha...

I found this video thanks to the Denver Narcotics Unit and guess who we found all looking for a quick fix...three of your beloved Denver Thuggets!

So without further adieu...get excited Denver Nuggets fans...Here are the players who will lead you to the 10th spot in the West this season!!

(see video in post below)

I hate you Denver Nuggets.

Let's get the season started!

Oh and let's start preparing for the Denver fans crying about how Melo will be suspended for the season opener...here's an idea. Don't drink and drive and perhaps you will get to play in more games.

Your Denver Thuggetts

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Jazz Announce New Variable Ticket Pricing Plans

Here's the deal, there are now 3 possible prices for a game ticket:

1. Regular individual game price - Face value ticket from box office or 355-DUNK or whatever.
2. Season ticket holder price - Discounted price because you're probably already spending 2 grand. Upper bowl season tickets have been half price for a couple seasons now I think.
3. The all new Premium Price - The press release doesn't say exactly what this means, but it doesn't take a marketing degree to realize this means HIGHER PRICE.

There are currently 10 games designated PREMIUM PRICE games: November 28 vs. Sacramento; November 29 vs. New Jersey; December 3 vs. Miami; December 26 vs. Dallas; January 24 vs. Cleveland; February 11 vs. L.A. Lakers; February 19 vs. Boston; February 21 vs. New Orleans; March 6 vs. Denver and March 28 vs. Phoenix.

Lakers, Cavs, Celtics, Hornets, etc....yeah these are going to be expensive tickets. Just one more way the NBA can shut out the regular guy! Jazz senior vice president of sales and marketing, Jim Olson, commented that "for some time there has been a growing trend in professional sports toward variable pricing," and that "This move creates additional resources that allow
us to deal with the ever increasing costs of operating a professional
sports franchise. We also continue to look for more ways to add value
and recognize our longtime season ticket holders and reward them for
their financial commitment to the organization." Here's the translation: "Everyone else is already doing it and it's going to make us a lot of money, especially from people we're already fleecing." Yay capitalism!

Guest Post: Kanye West Blogs About Playing Ball

When Kayne mentioned he'd be playing ball today, I asked him if he'd talk about his experience. Surprisingly, he said yes. Here's his account:

YO, I WAS A BALLER TODAY, YO!!!!!!!!!1

Sported the AIR YEEZYS ... you ain't got these on! Lotta people was HATIN' sayin Ye can't ball but I was ballin, son!!!!! ... Hataz was like 'that aint YE,' but it was me!!! Ball is life for me.... I'm either in the stu or out ballin. Dont front!

Superman did his thing....did you realize I'm a champion in they eyes? YES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basketball with the Holy Ghost

Simply stunning. Watch and enjoy.

Field Guide: Know Your Howards

I heard somewhere that Gil is the most popular name on Earth. And while this is obviously true, the second most popular name must be Howard. Therefore, in the interest of keeping your stories straight, here is a some notable Howards.

JUWAN HOWARD

Former University of Michigan standout who has been a huge to moderate disappointment, given his college exploits. Staunch supporter of the goatee; a fact that has soured fans across the globe.

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DWIGHT HOWARD

Jesus loving basketball player who stands 10'8" tall.

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JOSH HOWARD

Dallas Mavericks forward who, through undeniable blackness, does not support "The Star-Spangled Banner." Among the things that find his favor despite his blackness: orthodontia, headbands, franks n' beans, ninjitsu, and Teddy Ruxpin.

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HOWARD THE DUCK

A duck named Howard who wears plaid shirts and suspenders when seducing 80s babes.

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HOWARD EISLEY

Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.

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DESMOND HOWARD

University of Michigan legend/childhood hero of goathair.

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HOWARD STERN

All-around creep who has enjoyed great success despite notable lack of talent. America.

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RON HOWARD

Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.

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CLINT HOWARD

Much to Ron Howard's delight, his brother Clint has become a successful character actor. Ergo, Ron is not the scariest looking Howard in show business.

-------------

HOWARD DEAN

Former Democratic Presidential candidate who surprised many by embarrassing himself on the way to squandering a commanding lead during the 2004 nomination process. Loves cows.

Happy Birthday Rasheed Wallace!

It's Sheed's 34th birthday today. Maybe you're wondering what you can get for him on this special day. Here are a few suggestions.

From me, some terrible Air Force 1s!

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From Graydon, a bullhorn!

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From Skeets, a chest of drawers!

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From Matt, bowling shoes!

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From me, Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret by TD Jakes!

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From Maj, spray on hair!

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Go ahead and put your ideas in the comments. It's a celebration y'all!

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The September Sucks Edition

Here's why:

• Nothing important has happened regarding basketball since the gold medal game. The biggest "story" since then has been that Shaq's going to retire in 2 years. Can somebody get Ben Gordon to do something rash and hilarious?


• My favorite college football team, the Michigan Wolverines, is terrible. On the plus side, at least they're really funny to watch.


• My favorite professional football team, the Chicago Bears, are a house of cards. They're relying on an aging defense, rookie running back, and Kyle Orton. This can't end well.


• There hasn't been a decent rap release since Murs and 9th Wonder released their tape. And outside of "Nina Ross," that wasn't great by any means.


• The recent rap singles that have been leaked ("Swagger Like Us," "Love Lockdown," "Jockin' Jay-Z") have been interesting until you actually hear them. Then you listen to it and nothing.


• I can't remember the last time a rock release has been that interesting. Not since I got Dodos from Weiss has anything of recent vintage stayed playing.

All this makes for a fairly lackluster month. BUT, the NBA starts in October. That's not so bad.

NBA "Experts" Predictions Vs. Mine

"Someone please pay-us some attention. No one ever does."

First of all, Congratulations go out to C.B. Jack and his wife on the birth of their twin boys last week. Korver and Memo are doing well and should be heading home tomorrow. If you've seen the boys room and wardrobe it's safe to say Jazz Nation has just added two more fans. Congrats C.B. Jack and Family.

Anyhow, while reading the latest on the NFL I happened to accidentally hit "NBA" while surfing ESPN.com today and came across this: (I say accidentally because, due to lack of activity, there has been no reason to view that page for over a month now.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?page=ConferenceChamps-080911

A page full of predictions by NBA experts. Doesn't look like the Jazz are getting much love, or I should say, any more love than they ever get. I won't spoil any of the predictions, I'll let you click through them, but don't get your hopes up.

Not that we have reason to expect anything more than what we have done over the last two years. We have done very little to add to D-Will's team. Is there a deal in the works? I doubt it, but I'll keep crossing my fingers.

I hate to continue the negative post, but my biggest complaint in all of this is the lack of respect Deron Williams receives. Every year, every article, it's Kobe, Lebron, CP3 and D-Wade. Blah, blah, blah. At some point they HAVE to throw D-Will's name out there. Yes, we are the lowly Jazz from tiny-market SLC. But please, the guy needs to be mentioned and mentioned fast before these so-called "experts" start losing credibility. Fee free to think outside of the token four or five stars and look at other players who carry their team. Yes, I am a D-Will Homer, all of us Jazz fans are. But no more is it simply because he is the best player on a sub-par team. He is the best player on a very good team.

There, I feel better now. I figured if there was anyone I could vent to it would be my fellow Jazz homers.

Here are my un-biased predictions for the 2008-2009 Season:

Western Conference Champs: Utah Jazz

NBA Champs: Utah Jazz

MVP: Deron Williams

Rookie of the Year: Deron Williams (He's still eligible, I looked it up)

Coach of the Year: Hubie Brown (Sloan gets snubbed again as Hubie comes back to coach the T-Wolves to a .500 season.)

See, those are as fair and un-biased as they get. Please leave your predictions in the comment field. Go Jazz!

Booner

Dan Majerle and Celine Dion Together At Last

This morning it took me two and a half hours to travel what should have taken an hour. Plus, I'm trying to buy a house. I apologize for not blowing up your Google Reader with awesomeness (ShareBros stand up!), but I think this will suffice for now.

Turn the volume up because the audio quality is definitely not quality. The video, however, is amazing. Dan Majerle horsing around with Celine Dion, as you'd expect.

Seriously...NOTHING is going on

Watch the BYU / UCLA game tomorrow, should be a good one. And certainly better than Utah (-24) vs Utah State High School (who also happen to be in ESPN's bottom 10 poll). They're not on at the same time, but seriously, do you really want to be watching football ALL DAY? You do? Oh, well, alright then, go Utes.

[update:] it's 42-0 at halftime, clearly I was wrong. Watch the Utes instead.

To My "Friend"

Hey NBA Chair,

It's me, Pat. I just wanted to let you know how much I'm going to miss you.

Which is not at all.

I hate you with every fiber of my being. I can't believe that I've had to have such a close association with you for so many years. Back in the Notre Dame days, I thought it would be great to even be in the NBA; if I'd have known you were going to be such a jerk I'd have played volleyball like my mom wanted me to. I'd have even played football over having to deal with you. Touchdown Jesus knows they need the help.

It's not so much that you aren't comfortable, which you aren't. It isn't even that you're way to small for 6-foot-9 guy, which you are. It's that smug look you'd have on your stupid padded face after I'd invariably have to come back to you.

In a way, you're like a crippling drug addiction, without all the fun. I can't stand you but for whatever reason, I kept coming back. For that I hate you.

A lot of retired guys will put a bunch of you around their house. I wouldn't dream of that. I'd rather sit on a mound of broken glass, used needles, and salt.

Get bent. Literally.

Pat Garrity

www.myspace.com/gatparrity -- HOT RAP BEATZ

The Annotated LeBron James Late Show Appearance

LeBron was on Letterman last night. So was Barack Obama. Ergo, LeBron got bumped and only was on air for about six minutes. Tough break.

Nonetheless, LeBron made the most of his six minutes by creeping me out with how much he looks like he should be a middle aged white guy. The mustache, cardigan, and hairline that looks receding but really isn't -- all trademarks of the middle aged white guy. For reference, consult this handy guide.

Notice anything else strange? Throw it in the comments.