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Friday, February 27, 2009

The Fable of Ben Wallace


In the Bible, there's the story of Samson and Delilah. Given his luscious locks, Samson is told he'll have unfathomable strength as long as he never cuts his hair. However, enticed by Delilah, his hair does get cut and he loses all his strength. Whoops.

However, I don't think the Bible mentions that before his haircut, Samson's productivity would drastically decrease to the point where he's considered one of the worst free agent signings in history. Or that he had an entire metropolitan fan base upset that he was a part of their team. And it's probably glossed over, but I'm pretty sure that Samson never had his hair in cornrows.

Oh, and Samson could shoot freethrows.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ron Artest

Ron Artest, Houston Rockets basketballer, has caused controversy in the past for his role as one of the central figures in the Pacers–Pistons brawl.

Ron Artest Houston Rockets basketballer
Ron Artest Rockets basketballer
Ron Artest Houston Rockets basketballer wallpaper

NBA Star Shaquille O'Neal

Shaquille O'Neal is one of the most dominant players in the history of the NBA and one of the most quotable athletes of all time. O'Neal has won four NBA Championships.

Shaquille O'Neal best basketballer wallpaper
Shaq O'Neal best basketballer wallpaper
Shaquille O'Neal basketball star wallpaper

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Practices Martial Arts

Seeking to add quickness and agility to his game, Brad Miller has begun martial arts training.

NBA Players I Think I Could Beat in a Fight

This is me. I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, and I weigh around 220 pounds. I am 25 years old. According to this 2006 survey, I'm just about the average NBA player, except the 4ish years of experience. Unfortunately, I've yet to be called up from the Glendale Heights Park District Men's A League. I'm surprised, too.

I'm pretty even-keeled. I don't have a terrible temper, but I also won't back down from a confrontation. Two Sundays ago, I nearly started a riot at my men's league game, due to an intentional foul. While I'm not actively seeking out fights, if someone were to start one with me, I'm going to defend myself. Of course, I'm a genial fellow, so I haven't been in a legitmate fight since 4th grade when I beat up Mike Punkachar in my living room.

But being average-sized, I thought it was necessary that I put together a list of players who I think I could beat in a fight. Even though Barack Obama wouldn't let it happen, there's a chance that another Pacers/Pistons brawl could happen at any time. Here is the list of NBA players I think I could beat in a fight, with a short description why:


  • Alex Acker - probably asthmatic.
  • Maurice Ager - lacks peripheral vision.
  • Alexis Ajinca - seems awkward.
  • Morris Almond - too pretty.
  • Chucky Atkins - named Chucky.
  • Jose Barea - tiny.
  • Marco Bellinelli - extreme tan suggests vanity.
  • Goran Dragic - appears to be 11.
  • Kevin Durant - weak.
  • Daniel Gibson - well-groomed, and therefore unconcerned with physical contact. Nicknamed "Boobie."
  • Manu Ginobili - would fall.
  • Kyle Korver - avoids confrontation.
  • Rashard Lewis - timid/easily bruised.
  • Tyronn Lue - small wingspan and top-heavy.
  • Steve Nash - brittle.
  • Chris Quinn - looks like this:

  • Cheikh Samb - easily distracted by shiny objects.
  • Sun Yue - weighs 120 pounds. Possible martial artists. May re-think this one.
  • Roko Ukic - pregnant.
  • Yao Ming - slow, lots of surface area for striking.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Lamar Odom Lakers Power Forward

Lamar Odom lakers basketballer wallpaper
Lamar Odom lakers power forward
Lamar Odom lakers forward pic

Pau Gasol 2 time NBA All-Star Spaniard

Pau Gasol Los Angeles Lakers player
Pau Gasol LA Lakers player wallpaper
Pau Gasol spanish basketballer

I JUST SAW NATE ROBINSON FIST POUND WILL FERRELL


Yo, you are not going to BELIEVE this, bro. I was at the Knicks game last night. Baller status seats. I'm talking on the court, man. One of the bank's brokers hooked me up. Anyways, guess who's sitting right in front of me.

Will Ferrell.

Yeah. THAT Will Ferrell. He is just as funny in real life. You had to be there. I can't even explain it.

So me and my boy Nolan are just chillin', when Nate Robinson walks over to Will and fist pounds him. It was awesome. Best night of my life.

Will Ferrell, dude! Will. Ferrell.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

San Antonio Spurs' Roger Mason

Roger Mason currently plays for the San Antonio Spurs of the NBA. Before the 2007-08 season, Roger Mason signed a one-year contract with the Washington Wizards.

Roger Mason San Antonio Spurs player
Roger Mason Spurs pic
Roger Mason nba pic

Deron Williams aka D-Will

Deron Williams currently plays with the Utah Jazz. His nickname is "D-Will." Prior to playing in the NBA, Williams played for the University of Illinois men's basketball team.

Deron Williams D-Will photo
Deron Williams utah jazz player
Deron Williams NBA player wallpaper

Brandon Bass Dallas Mavericks Forward

On July 26, 2007, Brandon Bass agreed to sign with the Dallas Mavericks, but terms of the deal were not disclosed. He is signed through the 2008-09 season with a $1.59 million contract.

Brandon Bass Dallas Mavericks player
Brandon Bass in action pic
Brandon Bass NBA wallpaper

Michael Jordan The Greatest Basketball Player

Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. His leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests, earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness." He also gained a reputation as one of the best defensive players in basketball.

Michael Jordan the legend
Michael Jordan dunk wallpaper
Michael Jordan legend wallpaper

Friday, February 20, 2009

Kevin Garnett Boston Celtics Player

Kevin Garnett became the first NBA player drafted directly out of high school in 20 years. His accomplishments include 2003-04 Most Valuable Player, NBA Defensive 2007-08 Player of the Year and one of twelve All-Star teams and nine All-NBA and All-Defensive Teams, respectively.

Kevin Garnett
Kevin Garnett
Kevin Garnett

Amare Stoudemire NBA 2003 Rookie of the Year

Amar'e Stoudemire won the NBA Rookie of the Year Award in 2003, made three appearances in the NBA All-Star Game, made first-team All-NBA Team in 2007, and won Bronze Medal with the United States men's national basketball team at the 2004 Olympic Games.

Amare Stoudemire NBA best Rookie
Phoenix Suns' Amare Stoudemire wallpaper
Amare Stoudemire basketball player

NBA Pop Culture Comparisons

Hey guys, don't you think Vinnie Del Negro totally looks like Al Pacino if you ironed him?
POP CULTURE COMPARISON

I JUST thought of this, don't you think that NBA players look like guys from The Wire?
POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Or how about this: the Spurs have beef jerky playing for their team!
POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Here's another good one: NBA players look like rappers!
POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Okay, okay. Last one. Donny Marshall looks EXACTLY like Ludacris.

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Dwight Howard of Orlando Magic

Dwight Howard is the winner of the NBA 2008 Slam Dunk Contest. Howard's overall play and his spectacular dunks have gained him prominence as one of the brightest young prospects in the NBA and the team leader of the Magic.

Dwight Howard superman dunking
Dwight superman Howard dunking wallpaper
orlando magic's Dwight Howard wallpaper

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Maybe I didn't get what I asked for, but the fact that Brad Miller is coming back to Chicago is the next best thing I could possibly receive in the realm of the NBA. He even sent me this mostly lucid video:



25 is shaping up to be a GREAT year.

A Stats Primer

I was reading the Internet last night. I only made it about halfway through the Internet when I came upon this article from the New York Times. It was written by a guy who wrote a book about the use of stats (short for "statistics," which is short for "numbers of things that happened") in baseball, but this article is about stats in basketball (proposed new name: statsketball). The piece is centered on Houston Rockets forward Shane Battier (proposed new name: Stattier).

It was intriguing! I learned a bunch about stats. I don't know if you guys have heard about stats, so let me teach you some things about stats.

First and foremost, you need to know what stats are. A stat is a way that we count things that happen. If you have more than one stat it becomes stats. In essence, stats is the plural form of stat, which is a name for something that happened. For instance, if a player takes a jump shot, that is a stat. Let's say that player (Rajon Rondo) misses that shot, that is also a stat. If you combine these, that is a player's stats.

The formula:



STAT + STAT = STATS

That is how we get stats.
(Note: sometimes people say statistics when they are talking about stats. They are the same things. These people just like to sound like scientists.)

Now that you know where stats come from, let's learn about what the article talks about. Because it's not just about stats. It's also about advanced stats, which are kind of like if stats could get superpowers. But between stats and advanced stats are intermediate stats.

Some people didn't think stats were good enough. They were haters. So they decided, "we need more stats." They took all the normal stats (like points and assists and rebounds) and divided them by other stats (games and shots and ratios). This made new stats which are called intermediate stats. They're pretty much normal nowadays, like how the average height of humans has increased over time.

But intermediate stats were not enough for some people. These people were probably people who liked; a) numbers and b) basketball. I don't know for sure, but that's a guess (they'd call it a hypothesis). So these people took stats and intermediate stats and decided to make advanced stats. It's the same as when John Madden invented the Turducken or Charles Darwin invented evolution.

Here's a diagram that shows how stats became advanced stats:

As you can see, stats was a quadroped in the primordial ooze until John Hollinger (a stat-liker/maker) made advanced stats which stands on two legs and lives in a forrest.

Advanced stats can tell us a lot of things. They can tell us how many points a player scores per minute. They can tell us what a player's PER is, which is a measure of how much good a player does. They can allow us to compare a team that plays fast but sucks (the Knicks) with a team that plays slow but sucks (the Wizards). All of these things are possible because of advanced stats. They're pretty cool.

But even advanced stats can't tell us everything. For instance, the Rockets have to have super-advanced stats that tell them how good Shane Stattier (nee' Battier) is at playing basketball. The public (me and you) do not have access to these, but we can assume that they would be like if humans grew wings. Even with super-advanced stats, the Rockets still need to use their eyes to assess things like Stattier's head folds, gap teeth, and ability to place his hand millimeters away from another player's face without actually touching it (REALLY annoying on car trips to Six Flags). Unfortunately, not even Tom Ziller can invent stats to measure those things.

I'm pretty sure I covered everything there is to know about stats, intermediate stats, advanced stats, and super-advanced stats but I might have missed something. If you think you'll get some extra learning from it, go read the article about statsketball. You'll be glad you did because then you can tell all your friends about stats.

Thanks for learning!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

1000 Words: Science, Perfected


All it took was a single lock of hair for Rick Fox to create Earth's first clone. Unfortunately, Rick doubled the recipe.

Breaking Trade


In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.

Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan

On this day, 46 years ago, Michael Jordan was born. Approximately 24 years later he was creeping people out with his slow motion grin.



Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Krypto-Nate Robinson Won Slam Dunk Contest

The diminutive New York Knicks guard, Nate Robinson beat defending champion Dwight Howard of Orlando Magic in an electrifying slam dunk contest on Saturday night, winning 52 percent of fans' votes.

Nate Robinson wins slam dunk contest pic
Nate Robinson basketball player wallpaper
Krypto-Nate Robinson wallpaper