All About The Blowtorch

About the Site
The Blowtorch, in its first incarnation, was founded nearly four years ago. Like most randomly started blogs it was personal, silly, and pretty bad. Random stories, things about music (I was writing a music column for the school paper at the time), and other generally unfocused ramblings. There’s not a ton of stuff from back then that I’m particularly proud of, but I was twenty. Whatever.

This period lasted for about a year before tapering off to The Blowtorch’s Dead Period. For roughly a year and a half, posting was scarce. Occasionally I’d imagine something that was post-worthy, but for the most part I was creatively drained. However, it was during the Dead Period that sports blogs really started happening. I started commenting here and there. I started reading this and that. Slowly, I started contemplating creative opportunities.

‘Twas a conversation with FreeDarko’s Brown Recluse, Esq. that finally got me to do something with what was in my brain. A soon to follow post, inspired by a Shoals piece, were my first real successes. Linked by Kelly Dwyer at TrueHoop, The Blowtorch was born again as you see it today.

About the Name
The name The Blowtorch (alternately Ze Blowtorch or The Torch) was born from a conversation that I had about five years ago. Whilst watching some episode of I Love the 90s featuring the Spice Girls I boldly declared that if I were to be a Spice Girl, I’d want a tough name like “Blowtorch Spice.” Thus a nickname was birthed.

About Me
This isn’t some overblown outing of myself. I’m small-time and not deluded enough to think that any mainstream media types are clamoring for my real name (even though Rashard Lewis’ agent constantly Googles himself – seriously). That being said, my real name is out there and easily found.

I play basketball, get injured, make music, hang out with humans, grow facial hair, and obsess about culture. I think robots are fascinating and terrifying. Major influences are Chuck Klosterman, The Beatles, Tom Green, Skeets, Kelly Dwyer, Wes Anderson movies, Dr. LawyerIndianChief, the mafia, John Hodgman, Tarantino, David Byrne, and a bunch of other music.

If you have a question, email me at theblowtorch[at]gmail[dot]com.

Great Successes
I Interview Chuck Klosterman

I Essentially Predict the Outcome of the 2008 NBA Finals Months in Advance

I Introduce Math to the NBA

I Unearth a Bunch of Great NBA Mustaches. And Beards.

I Nickname Kevin Durant

Recurring Themes
Tonay Parcare

Joakim Noah

MATHEMATICSIZED

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects

Additional Goathair Writing
Twitter

Born and Raised

Sports by Brooks

DeadOn

Ball Don’t Lie

Blog Critics

My Utah Jazz on 1320 KFAN - Locked on Sports with David Locke**Today 4pm MST**

What up My Utah Jazz fans.

My Utah Jazz was asked to participate in a new weekly segment with David Locke of 1320 KFAN. The first segment took place on Monday at 4:00 pm MST. Feel free to listen to the replay here. Click on the highlighted Jazz Bloggers Rountable link (Thanks Mom for listening, are those instructions easy enough for you?)

Thanks to David and Kevin for making it happen.

Please let us know what you agree and don't agree with. We want to represent Jazz nation and can only do that with your help. Of course, if your opinion isn't the same as ours, we probably won't address it. But aside from that, let the feedback begin!

http://www.thefansports.com/

Steven A. Smith Interviews Joe Alexander

(click for video)

Steven A. Smith: Joe, you were drafted by THE Milwaukee Bucks. Congratulations!

Joe Alexander: THANK YOU, STEVEN A.! ... STEVEN A., AS YOU KNOW, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS ARE A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM! I THINK WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR!

Steven A. Smith: Easy, bro.

Joe Alexander: "EASY, BRO" IS RIGHT, STEVEN A.! THE BUCKS ARE BACK!

Steven A. Smith: No! I mean, don’t SHOUT like that, my man. That’s my thing.

Joe Alexander: LISTEN, STEVEN A., I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Steven A. Smith: It's just-- couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice, or whateva?

Joe Alexander: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!

Steven A. Smith: Gold dust, Joe?

Joe Alexander: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, STEVEN A., A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, STEVEN A.! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE!

MAYBE ON YOU, STEVEN A., BUT NO ONE ELSE!

Steven A. Smith: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Joe Alexander: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU IDIOT!

Steven A. Smith: Just stop--

Joe Alexander: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Steven A. Smith: Will you stop, Joe?

Joe Alexander: I THINK I WILL, STEVEN A.! I THINK I WILL!

All you need to know about Kosta Koufos

Do I get 1/2 a block for this?

(FYI - He's the white guy getting ready to flop)

I cant wait to hear how Hot Rod handles the first time this kid check into a game next season. This is what you can expect to hear:

Hot Rod: Entering the game for the first time this season, number 31 from Ohio State, wait I thought he was from Greece, mmmmmm Greek food, I like Baklava.

Producer yelling at Hot Rod in his ear: The game hot rod, the effing game!! How many martinis has this guy had already?

Hot Rod: Oh yeah, the basketball game, what was this kids name again? Kos, Kuse, Kusta, Kutsa, Costco....screw it I will just call him by his last name....damn that one is harder to pronounce....Kofo, Kufu, Kudos, Cujos....Can I just call him Baklava? Mmmmm, I like Greek food.

Back to the draft - One word sticks out about this pick: Whatever. For his upside he has been compared to Memo Okur (I thought we already had a guy like that) and for another comparison he has been compared to Darko Milicic. Great, that is all we need, another crappy big man on the roster. I guess we do need someone to replace Jarron Collins when he retires in 15 years.

From ESPN.com they list his strengths with stuff like this - He's tall, strong, can pass out of double teams ok and has good timing for blocking shots, but is not explosive enough to be a real good shot blocker. - Keep in mind these are the kids positive attributes. When the best part of your game is your size, well, at least you got that going for you.

Lets move onto the negatives from ESPN.com - Can be a disinterested defender at times. Lacks aggressiveness at times. Lacks lateral quickness. Can sometimes lose his confidence and then his game falls apart. Needs to be able to handle contact in the paint better. - This sounds an awful lot like our current big men, good job guys he should fit in nicely. Maybe he will turn out to be a lot like Memo. You know that he got super excited knowing that you don't have to play defense for the Jazz if you play Center of Power Forward.

The good news is that our D-League team is going to have two 7-footers to dominate the league next year, maybe I will get some season tickets to the Flash.

Eef Ees In Ze Game, Ees In Ze Game

Ah, yes, Ahmerrykahns! Tonay Parcare ees coming to a store near you. Das right, I, Tonay Parcare, veel be gracing de covare of ze best bassetball game in ze worlds, NBAs LIFES Two Sousand and Nine.

So yes, Ahmerrykahns, you can have ze Tonay Parcare een your own house. Een your own vroom. Eef you like, een your bed. But not zee vreal Tonay Parcare, unfortunately for you.

But, you know, eef you ask Tonay nicely, he join you in bed too.

The Blowtorch 2008 NBA Draft Manual

I put together a little document for tonight's draft. It's got the NBADraft.net Top 100. It's got the latest Draft Express mock draft. It's got a bunch of lists of players I like and don't like. It's even got a listing of the full order of the draft so you can follow along at home, adding in the draft picks as they are announced. Needless to say, this thing will be handy tonight. Download it, print it, study it.

Download The Blowtorch's 2008 NBA Draft Manual

UPDATE: Thanks to Todd, here's a mirror to the manual.

1000 Words: David Stern Through the Years

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects III

• Henry brought this up a little bit ago (fifth bullet), but I subscribe whole-heartedly to the "mock drafts are just conjecture" school of thought. If you don't have access, you're just guessing. What Skeets, KD, and their crew is doing is perfect. What does a team need, who will help, and why. That's exactly what you need from bloggers. Leave the prognosticating to guys like Chad Ford. They talk to people and can actually have some insight in to what a certain team is looking for. If you want to make your guesses, go ahead and make your guesses; I'd rather read about what YOU think a team needs and how they can realistically go about fixing that need.
• If you're looking for more actual draft insights, go to Ridiculous Upside. Matt's talented, and internet fam, and he also works along the lines of providing actual analysis rather than guesswork.
• Matt REALLY needs to buy a URL for Hardwood Paroxysm. That's way too long to type when you add the Blogspot nonsense at the end. Oh, I'll being appearing over there from time to time this summer.
• The Shaq diss on Kobe is definitely hilarious but don't believe for a second that Shaq was going off his head. He has this reputation that he's the NBA's funny guy for a reason. His persona is just as contrived as LeBron's is. Notice that the only time he's making jokes or goofing off are in instances when he's had time to prepare (press conferences, commercials, etc.), but when he's put on the spot (like in a locker room setting) he's intentionally dull.

The Pre-Draft Offseason Report

Now that the evil witch of the west has been disposed of and there has been sufficient time to let the anger and sadness from the Jazz's second round loss simmer down I can rationally take a look at what I would do if I were Kevin O'Connor. And lets face it, we all think that we could do a better job so I hope that the Jazz brass are reading this and take it to heart.

Step One

This part of the off season should just be called, "Open the vault for Deron and give him what ever he wants". If I were Larry Miller I would give him Karl and John's car dealerships and change the name of the stores to D-Will Automotive Group. This is the guy who can lead the Jazz to the promised land and I am pretty sure that the Jazz will take care of him accordingly. They might have to stray into luxury tax land for a year or two until they can get rid of the Kirilenko contract, but Deron is worth it.

Step Two

Trade the draft pick. Ask yourselves, is there anything at all that the Jazz can get with the 23rd pick that will help them get over the hump? We are already one of the 5 best teams in the NBA right now, lets see if we can get a team that is in rebuilding mode to give something up that we might be able to use later. We already have 13 guaranteed contracts for next season and I am pretty sure that they will try and resign CJ Miles again taking it to 14. NBA rules limit teams to 15 and the Jazz like to keep one spot open for flexibility (which I think is a great idea) so why lock yourself into another guaranteed contract. If you were going to take a flyer on a Euro and stash them overseas for a few years that would be OK, but if the Jazz use the pick on another shooting guard or 7 foot project with bad feet I am going to throw my remote across the room.

Step Three

Ask Coach K to teach Boozer how to play defense this summer. Actually, if could just try and get Boozer to give a damn about defense that would be sufficient. Lets face it, this version of the Jazz is never going to be able to lock teams down, but they have to be able to slow them down. I think the D-will and Ronnie Brewer back court is capable so we really need the front court to do their part. Hopefully they can learn to play better team defense the longer they are together, but Boozer and Memo have to show more desire on that side of the floor. I guarantee you that if the Jazz put in an incentive clause for Boozers next contract that gives him some sort of bonus for making the any of the 3 all NBA defensive teams the effort would be there.

Step Four

Start shopping, specifically AK. The Jazz do have a couple of tradeable assets, but we are going to have to swallow pretty hard if we really want to get rid of AK. He has three years left on his cap killer deal there is going to be some garbage in return, but maybe it will only be on year of garbage instead of three. If you package AK with Morris Almond and our first round pick that we are getting from the Knicks in 2010, we might be able to do something that does not completely suck. Miami for example has Mark Blount and Udonis Haslem or you could talk to Milwaukee about Bobby Simmons and some spare parts. The point is, there is a team out there that would like to take a flyer on AK if we sweetened the pot a bit with some other stuff. This trade will be a lot easier to make after the Olympics because you know that AK is going to average something like 20 points, 10 boards, 5 assists, 3 blocks and 3 steals.

After the draft is done we will have a better understanding of what the Jazz and other teams have I will put together a post draft plan with more specifics.

An Impartial Review of Tyronn Lue

There are exactly three things that I always remember about Tyronn Lue:

One, he bears a strong resemblance to WNBA superstar Teresa Weatherspoon.

(actual size)

Two, there are two Ns in his name. Three, he was humiliated by Allen Iverson in the 2001 NBA Finals.
(see the 6 minute mark for Iverson sonning Lue)

Obviously, my Tyronn Lue game isn’t up to snuff. But with technology, I can get caught up on the intricacies of Tyronn Jamar Lue. For instance, I just learned that Microsoft Word does not recognize the names Tyronn, Jamar, and Lue. Consider them added to the dictionary. And consider that a big win for technology.

Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 basketball season was largely unsuccessful. Tyronn started as a back-up point guard to the widely acclaimed Anthony Johnson on the Atlanta Hawks. Though that, in and of itself, is saddening, if we rewind roughly one year, we’ll see that Tyronn was one of the reasons the Hawks needed a point guard so badly in the 2007 Draft.

You see the Hawks had this problem with drafting forwards. Much like myself and any pair of dress pants that are long enough, the Hawks horded forwards. And just as I have four pairs of khakis that are the same color but different brands, the Hawks had a gaggle of athletic forwards but no one to pass them the ball. Divorced from emotions, this is a basketball problem; but when connected to the roster, Tyronn Lue was sad.

Nonetheless, Lue soldiered on. Though slotted behind Johnson, Tyronn outperformed both him and rookie Acie Law. However, when the Hawks had the opportunity to acquire the formerly good Mike Bibby, Lue and his 3.5 million dollar contract became expendable.

Strangely enough, Lue was widely recruited following his buy-out from the Kings. Though there was a hard push from the Phoenix camp, Lue decided to sign with the Mavericks, choosing to sit behind future Hall of Famer Jason Kidd rather than behind future Hall of Famer Steve Nash. Both teams went on to flame out in this year’s playoffs, proving that pursuing Tyronn Lue is a death wish.

The story of Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 season can be summed up like so: reason for worry to afterthought to pleasant surprise to trade bait to buy out to mop-up duty. Lest you become too sad for Tyronn Lue, please remember that he still made 3.5 million dollars this year for playing basketball.

D-Will, Booze Join Team USA

Although both Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer have made the 2008 USA Men's Basketball Team, due to budget cuts, they will have to share a jersey.

It's official, Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer of our Utah Jazz will be representing our Country in this Summer's Olympic Games! Below is the ESPN article that most of you have probably all read by now.

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/olybb/news/story?id=3457058

I don't know what the rest of you MUJ Bloggers think, but this is going to make this off-season just a little bit easier to get through. I am excited for Deron to get his chance to shine, not sure how much time he will see, but I know he will make the most of every minute he gets. I would love to see our two Jazz men bring home the Gold. (It still won't put you on my good list Booze, but it won't hurt either.) Now, don't get me wrong, when it comes to the Summer Games, I am a Women's Gymnastics Fanatic, however, Men's Basketball is a close second.

Congrats D-Will and Booze, from all of us at My Utah Jazz!

Booner

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Movies

Special to Ze Blowtorch, Kevin Garnett reviews the latest summer movies.

Iron Man

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The Love Guru

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Get Smart

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The Happening

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Don't Mess with the Zohan

Celebrity Reactions: Joakim Noah

Ah, for real, son? The Celtics won? The Boston Celtics? Ain't they got, like, Scot Pollard or whatever? That dude is HILARIOUS. Always holdin'. That's my boy.



You wanna hit this?

Shane Battier MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

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World Premiere: Kelly Dwyer on the Guitar

A Blowtorch original:

Celebrity Reactions: My Fiancee

It's over? Cool.

We need to get a limo and a cake. We need to figure out flowers. We have to pick which food we're going to serve.

I think I'm getting our invitations from the same place as the save the dates. They had really good customer service.

I love you.

Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We've had Gone Baby Gone for two months. I'm sad Top Chef won't be on tonight. Call me on your way home...

(note: thanks, Fiancee, for putting up with this NBA nonsense all year. Love.)

Celebrity Reactions: Tony Parker

Oh, ze Bostone Celteeks haf won-a ze tie-tell. A-zo Tonay Parcare ess varry sads, he steel ess happy for-a ze Celteeks. Espessalley ze Rayzean Rondo. Such-a smooth skeen and preety eyes.

Maybe ze Rayzean Rondo wanta to join-a Tonay and-a Eefa in ze bed? Maybe ze Rayzean wanta to sex-a my wife? Maybe ze Rondo, maybe he want-a baguette? UH-HUH-HUH, BAGUETTE!

Tonay Parcare don't know. When he wass champeen, he sex-a EFFRYSING. Ees-a up to you Rayzean. You no sex-a my wife, maybe Crease Paul vill.

Celebrity Reactions: Hillary Clinton

C'mon, Lakers. You're still in this! You can do it. It's not over until you say it's over.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Twitter

Kevin Garnett's current Twitter status:

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

Dear People Who Write Open Letters,

The people you're writing to never read your letters.

With Love,

goathair

For My Next Trick...

Silly, fools. How dare you question my tactics? You forsake me in the name of Glen Rivers. Do you not recognize me as Master? Do you not remember my timeouts? Never forget my timeouts. They are legendary for a reason.

Nonetheless, doubters, I shall prove myself to you once again. How? I will show you.

I SUMMON THE POWER OF CHRISTOPHER STEVEN MIHM!

Chris Mihm: Really?

GO FORTH AND DO MY BIDDING!

Yes, Christopher. Well done. You have served your master well. Now, show yourself to those who adore you. Bask in their revelry.

Remember, doubters, my Los Angeles Lakers have never lost a Finals game that featured Chris Mihm. Never shall you doubt again.

Never.

Miracles Happen

It's usually beyond the scope of the Blowtorch to discuss religion, but if this doesn't signify something, than I don't make jokes about foreigners. What you see below is an electronic mail message from the pastor that will be performing my marriage ceremony.

Klosterman said that for one decade, God cared about NBA basketball. Maybe he's a really big Lakers/Celtics fan, because it's a blessing that I don't have to reschedule my marriage counselling in order to liveblog.

The Perfect Fathers Day Gift

Its no secret that I completey despise Kobe Bryant and the Lakers so to say that I am happy with how the Finals have unraveled would be an understatement. After the Game 4 collapse we can officially cross Kobe off of the greatest player on the earth and heir to MJ's throne debate. Would MJ ever let his team lose a lead like that in the second half at home? We saw the Jazz erase big leads the Lakers built in all 4 of their losses, but unfortunately could never close the deal. It actually makes me mad that the Jazz were so determined to foul Kobe every time he touched the ball and Carlos decided to be a second round pick for the playoffs or they could be here instead of the Lakers.

Anyway, the best thing for me today on Fathers day would be seeing the Lakers lose the finals on their home court as all those fake fans sat there actually a little happy that the season was over so they could get back to watching TMZ and re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210. Phil Jackson would complain in his post game interviews about the free throw disparity while forgetting that Kobe shot 100 free throws per game against the Jazz proving his hypocricy has no bounds. And then we would get to watch Kobe in his post game news conference complain about his teamates not being good enough and demanding a trade. There is an old saying, a zebra can not change his stripes and we are seeing that with Kobe right now.

- This is what a cheating front runner looks like right after he "Wets the Bed" -

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects II

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects is where I go to clear my head.

Game 4
- There isn’t really anything that can be said about this game that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll elaborate on a few things that were notable to me.

- I had been talking to Matt and Skeets earlier in the day about how there hadn’t been a really notable game since Game 1 of Suns/Spurs and that all the big storylines thus far in the Finals had been negative (Pierce’s knee, foul nonsense, Donaghy, etc.). Last night changed all that. This was easily the trademark game of this year’s season. It’s ironic that is was an Eastern team over a Western team.

- This is the best dramatic commercial I’ve seen in years:

- For all of Doc’s terrible speeches, he did a fantastic job of coaching last night.

The Internet
- A blowout first half, followed by an incredible comeback, followed by a dramatic finish are the perfect circumstances for a liveblog. You get to talk about whatever’s clever in the first half, and then have exciting things happen in the second. Throw in actual insight throughout and it’s amazing. A huge thanks to Skeets for putting me on over at BDL.

- I’ve considered shutting down the Blowtorch after this season, but in lieu of things that have happened in the last week or so I've realized that was silliness. However, that line of thinking got me wanting to do more "stuff." I don’t know what that means quite yet, but when I figure it out, it’ll be awesome.

- I love that my government name and internet name are used interchangeably in Blogfrica. It’s very Wu-Tang Clan. Now I need to add a “street name,” which I’m hoping will be Trey Stacks.

The Carter 3
- First and foremost, this is NOT a classic album. You cannot have a classic album when only five or six of the beats are any good.

- I think the main reason that Wayne’s mixtapes are so good is that he got to use whatever beat he wanted, then he’d just imitate whatever the original dude’s flow was, and add his Wayne shtick. That way, he sounded natural on the beat but was still doing something different with his metaphors or whatever.

- The thing I HATE about this record is that there are so many songs that have the terrible Southern hi-hat and snare. I can’t stand those things. They make everything sound cut-rate.

- Here’s what would make me really like a Wayne album: work exclusively with the Neptunes and Timbaland to make a sci-fi record. Those beats, coupled with Wayne going off on some space ish would be thrilling.

- If C3 results in a new business model with rappers releasing big mixtapes incessantly the mixtape game is going to get watered down VERY quickly.

Greeting Cards for an NBA Blogger's Significant Other

Who Has the Classless Fans?

Remember all that talk as the Jazz season was winding down about all the classless Jazz fans? Well, for the record, there are a few other organizations we could talk about as well. Don't get me wrong though, that guy throwing the chair was priceless. And where did that chair come from? Was that a wheely chair? What stadium has those? Was it Phil Jackson's custom chair? Will someone research that for me? I guess it would be nice though: You could just glide out into the hall and grab yourself some popcorn..... then glide right back. Course then there would be the downside: Your friends decide it will be funny to see if you can glide down the stairs or, I could totally see ol' C.B. and Whistle picking me up and then sliding me out onto the court only to delay the game etc. etc. The pros out-weigh the cons though. Anyway, nice work Lakers/Celtics Fans. Nice work.

Booner